Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Two Irishmen at Sea

    Two Irishmen lost at sea — they’d been out there for quite a few days, dehydrated and parched from the sun. They’re just watching the waves, trying to spot land, when one of them looks down and a bottle floats by.

    Without even thinking, he grabs the bottle and wipes the label to see what it is, and all of a sudden a genie pops out and says, “You’ve released me from my prison, so I’m going to grant you just one wish — no more, no less!”

    So the Irishman, without thinking it through, shouts, “Turn the entire ocean into a big vat of Guinness!”

    The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and turns the entire ocean into Guinness.

    The second Irishman screams at the top of his lungs, “NO YOU IDIOT!!!! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

  • Pulled Over for Swerving

    The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”

    I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”

    The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”

  • The Wedding Night Request

    A Chinese immigrant couple just got married.

    On their wedding night, the groom decided to ask his bride what she wanted to do first.

    She thought about it, then excitedly said, “69! I wanna try 69!”

    Groom: “You want chicken with broccoli?”

  • The Wheelbarrow Bet

    A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

    After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

    “You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

    The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

  • What Would Tiger Do

    A couple were on their honeymoon.

    Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:

    “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

    The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

    The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”

    “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

    “Tiger Woods.”

    “Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    “What are you doing?” says the wife.

    The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

    “What are you doing?” she says.

    The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”

    The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

    When they finish he’s tired and beat.

    He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

    “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”

  • Confessions After the Ceremony

    A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.

    After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”

    The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”

    The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”

  • Watching Football With My Son-In-Law

    As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a “toy.”

    Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

    The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”

    The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter with her “toy.”

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The “toy” was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”

    The husband replied, “I’m watching football with my son-in-law.”

  • A Quiet Night in the Parking Spot

    A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.

    “Yes, officer?”

    “What are you doing?”

    “Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”

    Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”

    The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”

    The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!

    “What’s your age, young man?”

    “I’m 22, sir.”

    “And her, what’s her age?”

    The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”

  • Sherlock Holmes and the Stolen Tent

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the American countryside. After a hearty meal and a bottle of wine, they settled in for the night.

    A few hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his friend, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    Watson gazed upward and said, “I see millions of stars.”

    Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”

    Watson thought for a moment and said, “Astronomically, it tells me there are countless galaxies and planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, I’d say it’s about a quarter past three. Theologically, it shows that God is all-powerful and we are small. And weather-wise, I’d expect a beautiful day tomorrow.”

    Holmes paused briefly, then shook his head.

    “Watson, you fool… it means that someone has stolen our tent.”