My ditzy neighbor bought a waterbed and said it was way more bouncy than he expected…
He said, “I’m guessing it’s because I filled it with spring water.”
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
The Birthday Surprise
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids. I went to work, and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there, and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.
She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”
…while I was waiting naked on the sofa.
-
Pipe Down or You’ll Get Us Both Fired
A gorilla at the zoo dies of old age just before opening time. He was the star attraction — the one animal everybody came to see.
The zoo can’t afford a new gorilla right away, so the owner makes a quiet offer to one of the workers: “We’ve got an old gorilla costume in storage. If you put it on and act like the gorilla for a while, I’ll pay you an extra $100 a day.”
The worker agrees, puts on the suit, and goes into the enclosure. To his surprise, the visitors love him. He pounds his chest, swings around, and soon crowds are showing up just to see this “amazingly life-like” gorilla.
After a month, though, the excitement starts to die down. So he decides to put on a little stunt. He climbs to the top of the enclosure, swings over into the neighboring lion habitat… and hangs from the safety net above it!
A huge crowd gathers — gasping and pointing.
Then — his hands slip. He falls right into the lions’ den.
Panicking, he starts yelling, “HELP! Somebody help me! I’m not really a gorilla!”
Suddenly, a massive lion leaps onto him, pinning him to the ground.
The lion leans in close and whispers, “Pipe down, buddy… or you’ll get us both fired.”
-
Little Johnny Sells Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning, all excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something and then give a short talk about their sales strategy.
Little Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies,” she said proudly. “I made $30. My approach was to appeal to people’s kindness!”
“Excellent,” said the teacher.
Little Mary went next. “I sold magazines. I made $45. I told people that magazines help them keep up with the news.”
“Very good, Mary,” said the teacher.
Finally, it was Little Johnny’s turn. He walked to the front, dumped a shoebox full of cash on the teacher’s desk, and said, “$2,467.”
The teacher nearly fainted. “$2,467?! Johnny, what on earth were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” Johnny replied.
“Toothbrushes?! How could you sell that many?”
Johnny grinned. “Well, I went to the busiest corner in town and set up a table with a sign that said ‘Free Sample.’ I handed everyone a chip dipped in a little brown mixture. Every single person said the same thing: ‘Eww! That tastes like dog food!’”
“Then I said, ‘It sure does!… Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”
-
Read My Lips — POSSE
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, “You’re going to die. But we’re sorry for you, so we’ll give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown on the third day, you die. What first wish?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.
The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only thinks one thing.”
The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going to die tomorrow… can only think one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips, you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
-
Ten Cent Beer
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sure thing — that’ll be ten cents.”
“Ten cents?!” the man says, stunned. He looks at the menu and asks, “Alright… what about a big steak dinner and a nice bottle of wine?”
“That’ll be a dollar,” the bartender replies.
“A dollar?! This is the best deal I’ve ever seen! Where’s the owner of this bar?”
The bartender points upstairs and says, “He’s up there… with my wife.”
The man frowns and asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender shrugs and says, “Same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
-
Call the Coroner
A prostitute at a brothel dies during intercourse.
The man runs downstairs, crying, “My God, she’s dead! What am I going to do?”
The Madam intercepts him. “Now just keep cool,” she says, “and I’ll call the coroner.”
“The coroner? What for? I can’t fuck him!”
-
O’Brien’s Dog Was a Catholic
O’Brien lived alone in the Irish countryside for many years, with just his dog for company.
One day, the dog died, and O’Brien went to see Father Mullaney, the parish priest.
“Father, me darlin’ pup has passed on. I was wonderin’, could ya be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”
“Ah, I’m afraid not, we can’t be havin’ services for an animal in the church. But there’s a few Baptists down the road and there’s no tellin’ what they’re believin’ in. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the poor creature.”
“I’ll be headin’ off straight away, Father. Do ye think five grand would be enough to donate for the service?”
“Sweet Mary, mother o’ Jesus! Why didn’t ye tell me the dog was a bleedin’ Catholic?”
-
The Medical Student’s Diagnosis
While making his rounds, a doctor points to an X-ray and addresses a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “this patient limps because his left tibia and fibula are severely bowed.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” says the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
