Joke Type: observational
Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”
12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”, say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call ’em that!)
18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.
20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin’ to do” something.
21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”
24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.
-
Shaking Like a Crack Whore
Sometimes at the office, my co-worker tells me I drink too much coffee and makes fun of me by saying I’m “shaking like a crack whore.” Good thing she doesn’t know what I do in my off-hours.
-
Dinosaurs Died Before Fried Chicken
Sometimes when I eat fried chicken, I tear into it and pretend I’m some kind of prehistoric dinosaur making a kill. But then I realize that it’s pretty silly because dinosaurs all died long before fried chicken ever walked the earth.
-
Advice for Yankees Moving South
Advice for Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
-
Lifeguard Certification Test
I took my lifeguard certification test the other day, but failed miserably. It turns out you need to do more than just run up and down the beach in slow motion.
