Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • At a Pawn Shop

    Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?

    At a pawn shop.

  • Every Week You Get New Matches

    In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.

    Every week you get new matches!

  • You Carry the One

    How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?

    You carry the one.

  • Iron This

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and yells, “If I’m about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

    A drunk fellow stands up, removes his shirt and says, “HERE, FUCKIN’ IRON THIS!”

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  • Overheard at a Nursing Home

    Overheard at a nursing home:

    Old woman: “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

    Old man: “An elephant!”

    Old woman: “Close enough!”

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  • Calling Crisco in the Supermarket

    A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

    The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

    The clerk is astonished.

    “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

    The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

    “I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

    “Lard ass.”

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  • Pulled Over for Swerving

    The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”

    The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”

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  • Why They Charge for Air

    The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car’s gas tank and tires…

    She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, “Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!”

    I responded, “Inflation.”

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  • I’m Finally a Groan Man

    I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now.

    I’m finally a groan man.

  • Take on an Empty Stomach

    Doctor: “Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed you last month?”

    Me: “It says to take on an empty stomach, so no, I haven’t had the chance.”