Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Iron This

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and yells, “If I’m about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

    A drunk fellow stands up, removes his shirt and says, “HERE, FUCKIN’ IRON THIS!”

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  • Overheard at a Nursing Home

    Overheard at a nursing home:

    Old woman: “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

    Old man: “An elephant!”

    Old woman: “Close enough!”

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  • Calling Crisco in the Supermarket

    A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

    The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

    The clerk is astonished.

    “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

    The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

    “I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

    “Lard ass.”

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  • Pulled Over for Swerving

    The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”

    The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”

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  • Why They Charge for Air

    The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car’s gas tank and tires…

    She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, “Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!”

    I responded, “Inflation.”

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  • I’m Finally a Groan Man

    I just turned 40 and I groan every time I get up now.

    I’m finally a groan man.

  • Take on an Empty Stomach

    Doctor: “Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed you last month?”

    Me: “It says to take on an empty stomach, so no, I haven’t had the chance.”

  • It Folded

    After I invested all my spare cash into an origami business, it folded.

  • A Remarkable Guy

    My friend Mark changed his name to something else, but now he’s thinking about changing it back.

    Truly a remarkable guy.

  • So Full of Himself

    Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating his own arms and legs?

    He was so full of himself.