Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • A Blonde Doing a Handstand

    What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

    A brunette with bad breath!

  • Stephen King Has a Son Named Joe

    Stephen King has a son named Joe.

    I’m not joking, but he is.

  • IRS Agent Gets Robbed of His Own Money

    A man is walking on the sidewalk at night when suddenly he’s attacked by a mugger.

    Mugger: “Give me all of your money!”

    Man: “Do you know who I am?! I work for the IRS!”

    Mugger: “Oh? Well in that case, give me all of MY money!”

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  • The Clapper and the Mime

    Does the Clapper still turn the lights on if a mime is doing the clapping?

  • Birds and Bees: No Homework Allowed

    My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

    A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

    “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
    “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
    “That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

    “Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

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  • Birds and Bees: A Comedy of Misunderstandings

    My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

    A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

    “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
    “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
    “That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

    “Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

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  • Chain It to a Pipe in the Basement

    If you really love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, chain it to a pipe in the basement, because you don’t want to take a chance like that twice.

  • Not a Big Fan

    I hate it when people call me a windmill.

    I’m not a big fan.

  • Dismayed

    Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

    I’m dismayed.