I was trying to get romantic with the new nurse at my doctor’s office, so I asked her to dim the lights before she gave me the tetanus booster.
I guess it was just a shot in the dark.
Joke Type: one-liner
One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Just a shot in the dark
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You never leave fingerprints behind
The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.
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Other words and phrases
I bought a pen that can write under water…
It can also write other words and phrases. -
Rose, What Was the Name of the Restaurant?
Two older gentlemen are chatting after dinner while their wives are in the kitchen.
“We had a lovely meal at that new restaurant in town the other night,” said one to the other.
“That’s nice,” said his friend. “What was the name of the restaurant?”
“Oh, what’s the name of the lovely scented flower that grows on a thorny plant?”
“Rose?” replied the friend.
“That’s it.” Then, turning toward the kitchen, the gentleman called out, “Rose, what was the name of the restaurant the other night?”
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I had to put my foot down
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo…
I had to put my foot down. -
The Top 17 Tweets From President Trump
17. Winning! Winners win. And I’m a winner who wins, believe me. #ohfucknowwhatdoido
16. My huuuge hands typing this from the Oval Office! #HowYouLikeMeNowHillary
15. Nobody told me the White House was such a dump. Not a single gold toilet. Sad. #3rdWorld
14. Why do they call it the White House when the kitchen is full of Hispanics? #TrumpHouse
13. @SCOTUS You’re Fired! #TreatGovernmentLikeBusiness
12. #100days: abolish Obamacare, export all illegal immigrants, mount Paul Ryan’s balls in the Oval Office #sweetrevenge
11. @PutinRF_Eng Lincoln bedroom stocked with #Stoli; waiting for your arrival #USARUS
10. White House? Not on my watch. 2,600 gallons of gold gilt paint on the way! #Glitterpalooza #BlingHouse
9. Note to self: thank Kellyanne Conway, notify her she won’t be paid.
8. Just sold Washington Monument to China #suckers #shippingisextra
7. Got the nuclear codes, so excited: 398236. #watchoutisis #makeamericaglowagain
6. Melania looks stunning lying naked on the Oval Office’s new polar bear-skin rug, trust me. #MakingAmericaBoneAgain #Bigly
5. WTF? Canada’s Prime Minister keeps calling, saying USA needs to pay for his wall.
4. WH needs new housekeepers. @AliciaMachado, job is yours if you can drop 20 lbs!
3. Just sent my homey @Comey a thank you gift: orange jumpsuit for @Hillary. #orangeisthenewpantsuit
2. That Lincoln bedroom is SO uncomfortable. No wonder he shot himself. #HoleInTheHead #LumpyMattress
1. First official act: Lady Liberty loses the burka, shows some leg, gets bigger tits #StatueOfLame #6atBest
