Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Top 17 Tweets From President Trump

    17. Winning! Winners win. And I’m a winner who wins, believe me. #ohfucknowwhatdoido

    16. My huuuge hands typing this from the Oval Office! #HowYouLikeMeNowHillary

    15. Nobody told me the White House was such a dump. Not a single gold toilet. Sad. #3rdWorld

    14. Why do they call it the White House when the kitchen is full of Hispanics? #TrumpHouse

    13. @SCOTUS You’re Fired! #TreatGovernmentLikeBusiness

    12. #100days: abolish Obamacare, export all illegal immigrants, mount Paul Ryan’s balls in the Oval Office #sweetrevenge

    11. @PutinRF_Eng Lincoln bedroom stocked with #Stoli; waiting for your arrival #USARUS

    10. White House? Not on my watch. 2,600 gallons of gold gilt paint on the way! #Glitterpalooza #BlingHouse

    9. Note to self: thank Kellyanne Conway, notify her she won’t be paid.

    8. Just sold Washington Monument to China #suckers #shippingisextra

    7. Got the nuclear codes, so excited: 398236. #watchoutisis #makeamericaglowagain

    6. Melania looks stunning lying naked on the Oval Office’s new polar bear-skin rug, trust me. #MakingAmericaBoneAgain #Bigly

    5. WTF? Canada’s Prime Minister keeps calling, saying USA needs to pay for his wall.

    4. WH needs new housekeepers. @AliciaMachado, job is yours if you can drop 20 lbs!

    3. Just sent my homey @Comey a thank you gift: orange jumpsuit for @Hillary. #orangeisthenewpantsuit

    2. That Lincoln bedroom is SO uncomfortable. No wonder he shot himself. #HoleInTheHead #LumpyMattress

    1. First official act: Lady Liberty loses the burka, shows some leg, gets bigger tits #StatueOfLame #6atBest

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  • I Need a Battery to Tell the Time

    I said to my son, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

    He asked, “Is it for a clock?”

    I answered, “I don’t know. That’s why I need the battery!”

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  • Cold Calls

    Someone just called my phone and sneezed, coughed, and then hung up.

    I’m getting sick of these cold calls.

  • Eclipse Colander

    I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander.

    I tried it, but it strained my eyes.

  • If Both Basketball Teams Just Worked Together They Could Score So Many More Points

    If Both Basketball Teams Just Worked Together They Could Score So Many More Points

    hawk @hawktherapper

    if both basketball teams just worked together they could score so many more points

  • Bulldozer

    My wife is learning how to operate a bulldozer.

    I’m not going to stand in her way.

  • Helen Keller’s Swing Set

    Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set?

    You didn’t know? Neither did she.

  • Make Up Sex

    They say make-up sex is the best, which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

  • Cock Fighting

    I just found out that cockfighting is done with chickens. That’s two years of training I’ll never get back.

  • Kinky vs. Perverted

    You know the difference between kinky and perverted?

    Kinky? Use a feather.

    Perverted? Use the whole chicken.

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