I was at a wedding when this really old guy staggers over to my table, points straight at me, and loudly announces, “I screwed your grandma!”
I sighed and said, “Grandpa, you’ve had enough. Let’s get you home.”
Joke Type: one-liner
One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Billy Bob and Joe
Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.
Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”
“Yeah, what about her?”
“Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”
“No, not really. You?”
“No. So why don’t we take these things off?”
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Three men on death row
There were three men on death row: a German, an Italian, and an Irishman.
The warden gave them a choice of how they wanted to die:
• Be shot
• Be hanged
• Be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow, painful deathThe German stepped up first.
“Shoot me right in the head.”Boom. Instant.
The Italian went next.
“Just hang me.”Snap. Done.
Then it was the Irishman’s turn.
“I’ll take some of that AIDS stuff.”
They gave him the injection.
He collapsed on the floor… laughing.
The guards looked at each other. What was wrong with this guy?
Through tears of laughter he said, “Give me another one of those shots!”
They shrugged and gave him another.
Now he’s howling, doubled over, can barely breathe from laughing.
Finally, the warden snapped, “What is wrong with you?!”
The Irishman wheezed, “You idiots… I’m wearing a condom!”
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Goodbye Taco Bell: Mr. Rice No More!
What did Alice Cooper say when he quit his job at Taco Bell?
No more Mr rice guy…
No more Mr beans and cheeheeheese -
Knock, Knock: A Doctor’s Thoughtful Touch
I like how my new doctor knocks before he enters the exam room when I’m in there.
Because of his thoughtfulness, I may never get caught boosting drug samples and hypodermic needles again.
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Mormon and Irish
A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in First Class on a flight out of NYC.
Once the plane was airborne and the seat-belt sign was turned off, drink orders
were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him. Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he was drinking, to which the Mormon replied, “I would rather be raped by 12 wild whores
than let demon liquor touch my lips.”The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here.
I didn’t know we had a choice.” -
Johnny Cash and Elvis Tattoos
Girl walks into a tattoo shop and asks for Elvis on one thigh and Johnny Cash on the other…
Tattoo artist says alright let’s get to work, but I’m gonna need you to take off your pants so they don’t get ink on them. After a few hours he finishes both tattoos. she looks in the mirror and freaks out. “These don’t look like Elvis or Johnny at all” she says, crying.Sure they do, says the artist. Here I’ll prove it. The artist goes outside and grabs a man standing on the corner and brings him into the shop and asks who are the people in these tattoos? The man looks intently and after a couple mins says, “I don’t know who that is on the left and I don’t know who that is on the right, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”
