Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • A man dies in his sleep

    A man comes home extremely drunk, goes straight to bed, and falls asleep.

    That night, he dies in his sleep.

    In the afterlife, an angel greets him and explains what happened. The man is devastated. He tells the angel he still has so much to do in life, regrets drinking so much, and swears that if he’s sent back, he’ll never drink again and will live a healthy life.

    The angel says it’s impossible.

    After a lot of begging, though, the angel says there is one option: he can return to Earth as a chicken.

    The man thinks, “Well, that’s still better than being dead,” and agrees.

    He wakes up on a large farm, surrounded by dozens of chickens. He walks around a bit, eats some feed, and even nods at a few other chickens.

    Suddenly, he feels an intense pressure in his stomach.

    He asks the chicken next to him what’s happening.

    The chicken says, “Relax. It’s just an egg. Push as hard as you can and lay it.”

    So he starts pushing with all his strength. He feels something moving inside him, slowly making its way out…

    Just as it’s about to come out, his wife wakes him up and yells:

    “Wake up, you idiot! You’re shitting the bed!”

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  • Family Act

    A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”

    They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.

    When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”

    The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”

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  • Little Johnny and Cows

    Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.

    Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
    Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”

    Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”

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  • I want puppies!

    A little girl is walking with her grandmother when they see two dogs going at it.

    When she asks what they’re doing, the grandmother sheepishly explains, “Well, they’re making puppies.”

    That night, the girl walks into her parents’ room without knocking and sees her dad on top of her mom.

    She asks what’s going on, and her dad says, “Well, I’m making you a little brother or sister.”

    The girl says, “Flip her over, Dad—I’d rather get puppies!”

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  • Wise little girl

    A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

    “What are they doing?” the girl asked.

    The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”

    The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”

    “What do you mean?” Grandma asked.

    “Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”

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  • Dog licking itself

    Two dumb guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking himself
    The one dumb guy goes, “I wish I could do that”

    And the other dumb guy goes, “Maybe if you tried petting him first”

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  • Embracing the Average: A Surprising Truth

    Half of the people you know are below average.

  • The challenge

    A man walks into a bar and sees a big barrel full to bursting with $20 bills. He orders a drink and, striking up a conversation with the bartender, gets around to asking, “what’s the deal with the big barrel of cash?”

    The bartender chuckles and says, “oh, for a $20 entry fee that can be yours. You just have to complete three tasks.”

    The man perks up and says, “what do I have to do to win?”

    The bartender says, “first, you need to do a shot of this hot sauce brewed from the hottest peppers in the world. After that, there’s a pitbull in the back. Take these pliers and pull out its rotten, sore tooth.”

    The man balks at that, but says “what’s the third thing?”

    The bartender says, “there’s an old lady who lives above the bar. Have sex with her until she’s satisfied and the money is yours.”

    The man has a few drinks and thinks about it. Finally he slaps a $20 on the bar. The bartender pours a shot from the hottest peppers sauce and the man plugs his nose and downs the shot.

    Next the man disappears and the whole bar hears the dog growling, barking and snapping. He comes staggering back into the bar, scratched and bloodied. After he catches his breath he turns to the bartender and says, “alright, where is this bitch with the bad tooth?”

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  • Don’t go in that field…

    An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.

    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

    “By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.

    The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

    I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.

    A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.

    The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.

    I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

    “Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”

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  • Too Many Questions for a Simple Donation!

    Blood donation centers ask way too many questions:

    “Where’d you get it?”
    “Whose blood is it?”
    “Why is it in a bucket?”