Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Don’t go in that field…

    An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.

    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

    “By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.

    The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

    I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.

    A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.

    The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.

    I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

    “Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”

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  • Too Many Questions for a Simple Donation!

    Blood donation centers ask way too many questions:

    “Where’d you get it?”
    “Whose blood is it?”
    “Why is it in a bucket?”

  • Heroic Kidney Donors: Questions Beyond Three

    Donate a kidney and you’re a hero.

    Donate three and it’s nothing but questions.

  • Respectful Farewell or Evidence Elimination?

    So when they burn a body at the crematorium, it’s “a respectful farewell to the departed.”

    But when I do it, it’s “destroying evidence.”

  • Faked my age

    A 60-year-old millionaire marries a hot 25-year-old woman.

    After the honeymoon, they throw a party to celebrate their marriage. After a few drinks, the millionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed a 25-year-old hottie.

    “It’s simple,” the millionaire boasts. “I faked my age.”

    “Yeah, but even for a 40- or 45-year-old guy, she’s sensational. So what age did you tell her you were?” a friend asks.

    With a smile on his lips, the millionaire responds, “85 years old.”

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  • Too Many Samples: A Sperm Bank Tale

    I got fired because my boss said I was handing out too many free samples.

    That’s the last time I get a job at a sperm bank.

  • Blonde in a library

    A blonde walked into a library, marched up to the counter, and said, “I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

    The librarian said, “Excuse me! This is a library!”

    The blonde then whispered, “Sorry… I’d like a Big Mac combo meal with large fries and a Diet Coke.”

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  • Polish Sausage

    I walked up to the counter and said, “Yeah, I’ll take a Polish sausage.”

    The guy behind the counter squints at me and asks, “Are you Polish?”

    I’m immediately offended.

    “What kind of question is that? If I ordered a bratwurst, would you assume I’m German? If I asked for a Belgian waffle, would that make me Belgian? Dumplings — Chinese? What exactly made you think I was Polish?”

    He leans in, lowers his voice, and says,

    “Sir… this is a hardware store.”

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  • Four moles

    Four moles were crawling up a tunnel to the surface.

    The 1st one said, “Ah! I can smell the flowers!”
    The 2nd one said, “I can smell the fresh air!”
    The 3rd one said, “I smell the dirt..”
    The last one said, “I only smell molasses.”

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  • Unseen Love: Stevie Wonder’s Untold Fatherhood

    Stevie Wonder has kids he’s never seen.