Joke Type: wordplay

Wordplay jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Tech-Themed Restaurant

    I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.

    When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.

    The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.

    The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.

    After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.

    The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?

    Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.

    So I finally stopped the manager.

    “Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”

    He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”

  • At a Pawn Shop

    Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?

    At a pawn shop.

  • Every Week You Get New Matches

    In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.

    Every week you get new matches!

  • You Carry the One

    How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?

    You carry the one.

  • Cinderella and the Pumpkin Diaphragm

    Once upon a time Cinderella was getting ready to go out on a date with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

    “Absolutely not!” says her Fairy Godmother.

    “Fine,” says Cinderella. “But just remember this when there are a bunch of little princes running around.”

    So her Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. “Okay,” she says, “I’ve turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you’d better be back before midnight, because that’s when it will turn back into a pumpkin.”

    So Cinderella goes out, and her Fairy Godmother is waiting for Cinderella to return. It’s midnight, then 1:00, then 2:00.

    Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.

    “Where have you been?” demands her Fairy Godmother.

    “Out,” says Cinderella.

    “Didn’t that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?”

    “Yes.”

    “Well… what happened?” asks her Fairy Godmother.

    And Cinderella says, “I met the nicest guy… named Peter Peter.”

  • The Horse Buyer With a Lisp

    This guy with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

    He asks the farmer, “Can I thee her walk?”

    The farmer says, “Sure.” And he pats the horse’s rear to make it walk.

    Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her wun?”

    The farmer says, “Sure.” And he slaps the horse’s rear to make it run.

    Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her twot?”

    The farmer says, “Um, sure?” And he lifts the horse’s tail.

  • The Escort and the Stripper

    Son: “So, Dad… why the heck did Mom kick you out of the house?”

    Dad: “Well, Son, it’s crazy, she overheard me on the phone with Uncle Mike talking about running some errands.”

    Son: “What errands?”

    Dad: “Mike was going to pick up a used car, and I was heading to the store for a tool to strip paint off some furniture.”

    Son: “What’s wrong with that? That doesn’t sound so bad…”

    Dad: “Yeah… I know, but all your mum heard was, ‘You go get the Escort, I’ll grab the stripper, and we’ll meet at your place.’”

  • Bread in Captivity

    I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.

    They were all bread in captivity.

  • Chess With the Cat

    I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat…

    I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever.

    My cousin replied, “Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!”

  • Rearrange the Letters of POSTMEN

    If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…

    They become VERY ANGRY.