How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?
You carry the one.
Joke Type: wordplay
Wordplay jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
Cinderella and the Pumpkin Diaphragm
Once upon a time Cinderella was getting ready to go out on a date with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.
“Absolutely not!” says her Fairy Godmother.
“Fine,” says Cinderella. “But just remember this when there are a bunch of little princes running around.”
So her Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. “Okay,” she says, “I’ve turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you’d better be back before midnight, because that’s when it will turn back into a pumpkin.”
So Cinderella goes out, and her Fairy Godmother is waiting for Cinderella to return. It’s midnight, then 1:00, then 2:00.
Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.
“Where have you been?” demands her Fairy Godmother.
“Out,” says Cinderella.
“Didn’t that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?”
“Yes.”
“Well… what happened?” asks her Fairy Godmother.
And Cinderella says, “I met the nicest guy… named Peter Peter.”
-
The Horse Buyer With a Lisp
This guy with a lisp goes to buy a horse.
He asks the farmer, “Can I thee her walk?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he pats the horse’s rear to make it walk.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her wun?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he slaps the horse’s rear to make it run.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her twot?”
The farmer says, “Um, sure?” And he lifts the horse’s tail.
-
The Escort and the Stripper
Son: “So, Dad… why the heck did Mom kick you out of the house?”
Dad: “Well, Son, it’s crazy, she overheard me on the phone with Uncle Mike talking about running some errands.”
Son: “What errands?”
Dad: “Mike was going to pick up a used car, and I was heading to the store for a tool to strip paint off some furniture.”
Son: “What’s wrong with that? That doesn’t sound so bad…”
Dad: “Yeah… I know, but all your mum heard was, ‘You go get the Escort, I’ll grab the stripper, and we’ll meet at your place.’”
-
Bread in Captivity
I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.
They were all bread in captivity.
-
Rearrange the Letters of POSTMEN
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY.
-
It Was a French Toast
I was the best man at my brother’s wedding in Paris. At the reception, I raised my champagne glass and said, “Eggs, cinnamon, bread, and maple syrup…”
It was a French toast.
