People think you’re stupid if you haven’t got a college degree, so I tell them I got my Ph.D. at a university in London. Ha! The joke’s on them — I’ve never even been to France.
Joke Type: wordplay
Wordplay jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Medium and Rare
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
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Makeup Sex
My girlfriend surprised me the other day by suggesting we should have makeup sex, then for some reason she screamed and slammed the door on me when I showed up in my Gene Simmons KISS costume. Needless to say, we’re fighting again.
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Seatbelt Didn’t Deploy
Today I was injured when I wrecked my car. I’m not sure what went wrong — I was wearing my airbag, but the seatbelt didn’t deploy.
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Best Invention Since Sliced Bread
A good, sharp knife has got to be the best invention since sliced bread.
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Horseshoe Versus Whore’s Shoe: Times Have Changed
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
In my day, grumbled Gramps, we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.
But grandpa, replied the grandson, that is a whore’s shoe.
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Missile Sites Happy to See Him
As the F-14 screamed through the desert air, the pilot eyed the rising launcher ramps and wondered yet again if the missile sites were a genuine threat or merely happy to see him.
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Cider for the Pain
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: “Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.
“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.
“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!”
Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.
“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent, “What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?”
“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”
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Renaissance Faire Riot
A riot broke out at the local Renaissance Faire. Things got pretty ugly, but luckily the authorities intervened before anyone could start luting.
