Astronomers saying the universe is actually accelerating away from us. Call me overly sensitive, but I can’t help but take that personally.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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My dream job: vacation planner.
My dream job: vacation planner. Not for other people, though. That would kind of suck.
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They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I would have to say they come in a
They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I would have to say they come in a distant second to the right vibrator.
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Sometimes life just hands you lemons.
Sometimes life just hands you lemons. Other times life throws stones at your glass house, too, because life can be kind of a dick when it drinks.
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The coolest part about discovering the stripper was color-blind was being able to “make
The coolest part about discovering the stripper was color-blind was being able to “make it rain” using Monopoly money.
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Lately, I’ve come to realize that I’m ready to have children.
Lately, I’ve come to realize that I’m ready to have children. Not because I want a family, but because “stay-at-home dad” sounds so much better than “lazy, good-for-nothing, unemployed husband.”
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In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man may be king, but the blind guy with the
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man may be king, but the blind guy with the 12-inch weiner is still more popular at parties.
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Whenever people say “If you’re going to move to a new country, learn the language!”
Whenever people say “If you’re going to move to a new country, learn the language!” I just stay quiet. I would say something, but I don’t know the Cherokee word for “irony.”
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I hate to see my teenaged daughter so crazy about the hot guy in her school, throwing
I hate to see my teenaged daughter so crazy about the hot guy in her school, throwing herself at him and making a point of being around him as much as possible and over-flirting in the hope that it’ll make him like her more. Guys can smell that desperation and will run in the opposite direction. Besides, *I* want him.
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Once you’ve been a Very Special Guest, I’ll bet being a Special Guest feels like a total
Once you’ve been a Very Special Guest, I’ll bet being a Special Guest feels like a total slap in the face.
