Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Sherlock Holmes and the Stolen Tent

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the American countryside. After a hearty meal and a bottle of wine, they settled in for the night.

    A few hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his friend, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    Watson gazed upward and said, “I see millions of stars.”

    Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”

    Watson thought for a moment and said, “Astronomically, it tells me there are countless galaxies and planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, I’d say it’s about a quarter past three. Theologically, it shows that God is all-powerful and we are small. And weather-wise, I’d expect a beautiful day tomorrow.”

    Holmes paused briefly, then shook his head.

    “Watson, you fool… it means that someone has stolen our tent.”

  • At Least 8 Characters and One Capital

    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon

    When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

  • Take on an Empty Stomach

    Doctor: “Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed you last month?”

    Me: “It says to take on an empty stomach, so no, I haven’t had the chance.”

  • Put Me Down for a Five

    Police have been called to an apartment, and upon arrival find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

    The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

    “Yes,” says the woman.

    “Did you hit him with that golf club?”

    “Yes, yes, I did.”

    The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

    “How many times did you hit him?”

    “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

  • It Folded

    After I invested all my spare cash into an origami business, it folded.

  • A Remarkable Guy

    My friend Mark changed his name to something else, but now he’s thinking about changing it back.

    Truly a remarkable guy.

  • The End of the Line

    A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

    Interested, he goes to learn more.

    “Can you give me some more details on this job?” he asks the clerk.

    The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the examination. There’s an annual salary of $75,000, but you’re going to have to go to Perth – other side of the country.”

    The man says, “Oh, is that where the job is?”

    The clerk says, “No sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”

  • This Thing Changes Everything

    I got a new universal remote last week and let me tell you, this thing changes everything.

  • You Wanted Me to Say Shingles

    A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.

    “Prove it,” the friend says.

    The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.

    “Lucky guess,” says the friend.

    The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”

    The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.

    The friend is impressed but still skeptical.

    “Alright… ask him something harder.”

    The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”

    The dog barks, “Roof!”

    The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”

    The dog looks at him and says, “You wanted me to say shingles?”

  • Two No Shows But I Had Fun

    I had my first threesome tonight.

    There were two no shows but I had fun.