“I once farted so loud that everyone in the grocery store ducked.”
Interviewer: “Ok… and any weaknesses?”
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
No Honey, No Butter
One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.
His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”
A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.
“Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”
That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.
She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.
Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”
-
Boat for Sale
An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband died.
She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.
She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.
The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”
The reporter looks at her and says, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want.”
So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”
-
Theyre Looking for Us With Lanterns
Jack and John went camping. After setting up their tent and relaxing for a while, it got dark and suddenly they were surrounded by mosquitoes. So they quickly got inside the tent and hid under the blanket.
After some time, Jack decided to peek outside. He lifted the blanket and slightly opened the tent door, only to see a bunch of fireflies glowing outside.
He immediately jumped back under the blanket and whispered to John:
“Don’t go out… they’re looking for us with lanterns.”
-
May I Speak to Mr. Green
A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…
“Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”
“Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.
The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”
“Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.
The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”
The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”
-
Cleaning Up With Change
A hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.
He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure. At some point the hunter has to use a commode.
He says to his guide, “Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?”
The guide cracks up laughing. “Are you serious? We’re in the middle of Wyoming and you’re asking where the restroom is?”
“Well it’s kinda an emergency,” the hunter says.
The guide says, “You just hang your ass over that log over there. We’re roughing it today, Sport!”
So the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper, so he asks his guide, “What do I use to clean up with?”
The guide says, “You got a dollar?”
The hunter says, “I do.”
The guide says, “Just use that!”
The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.
The guide says, “What the hell, man. What happened to you?”
The hunter says, “You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!”
-
He’s Deaf
Doc: I have bad news and really bad news… the bad news is your baby is just an ear… a 6-pound 5-ounce baby ear. No arms or legs or head… just an ear.
But that’s not the worst part…. He’s DEAF!
-
Now I’m a Registered Sex Offender
My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time.
Now I’m a registered sex offender.
-
No Internet in the Confession Box
A man enters a confession box at late night.
“Father, I’ve sinned. I watch pornography 12 hours a day.”
The priest asks, “12 hours? How is that even possible?”
The man says, “Easy. Four hours in the morning, four in the evening, four at night.”
The priest asks, “Did you watch 12 hours today too?”
The man replies, “No, only 11 hours and 55 minutes.”
The priest asks, “Why is that?”
The man replies, “Because there is no Internet in the confession box.”
-
What Happened in Agua Fria
A gunslinger walks into a saloon and yells…
“…which one of you lily-livered, yellow-bellied, flea-bitten curs stole my horse!?”
The room is silent.
The gunslinger continues. “Alright! Here’s what’s going to happen! I’m going to buy a beer, drink it, and then I’m going back outside! And if my horse isn’t there, I’m going to have to do here what I did in Agua Fria! I don’t want to, but if I don’t get my horse back… you aren’t really giving me much of a choice!”
The gunslinger gets his beer, drinks it, and walks outside, only to find his horse at the watering trough. As he gets into the saddle, the bartender comes out and nervously asks: “So… what did you do in Agua Fria?”
“Walked out of town and never went back.”
