Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.
A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.
The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.
“Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”
“Just walk,” the old man said flatly.
“Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”
“Just walk,” the old man repeated.
“Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.
Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:
“It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”
The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”
“Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”
A retired fellow hadn’t been feeling quite right, so he went to see his doctor.
After the exam, the doctor quietly asked his wife to step into the hallway.
“I’m afraid your husband has a very delicate heart,” he said. “If you want him around a while longer, you’ll need to treat him like royalty — wait on him hand and foot, no stress, no chores, no lifting a finger.”
On the drive home, the husband looked over nervously and asked, “So… what did the doc say?”
His wife sighed and said, “He said you’re probably not going to make it.”
My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves.
Great man. Terrible lifeguard.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. The other calls 911, panicking: “I’m out hunting with my friend. He just fell over, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he’s not breathing. I think he’s dead! What can I do?”
If you’ve never tried donkey meat, don’t bother.
It tastes like ass.
