Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
“Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” she said. “They’re retired prostitutes — they’re having a yard sale.”
A guy gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The guy replies, “No, sir. My dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an idiot.”
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.
He said, “Sure, knock yourself out.”
It’s silly to worry about storms.
Your chance of getting hit by lightning is exactly the same as your chance of getting hit by lightning.
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.
“Well, we’re a mite crowded, since there’s already someone in the spare room,” replied the farmer. “But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.”
“Look,” said the tourist, “I want you to know I’m a gentleman.”
“Well,” mused the farmer, “as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.”
