Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Fast Deer

    Fast Deer

  • At Least He Let Go of Ol Zeek

    Here in Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ bout the good ol’ days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

    “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

    Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.”

    She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

    He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

    “I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

    “Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”

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  • The Border Where They Combine

    They say the atmosphere is 78 percent nitrogen and 22 percent oxygen. And when I become world-renowned for being the first person to discover the border where they combine, I’ll just sit back and laugh my ass off.

  • Lifeguard Certification Test

    I took my lifeguard certification test the other day, but failed miserably. It turns out you need to do more than just run up and down the beach in slow motion.

  • My Step Ladder

    I have a step ladder.

    I lost my real ladder at a young age.

  • Newton Invented Gravity

    Newton Invented Gravity

    DID YOU KNOW?

    Before Isaac Newton invented gravity in 1869, people could fly

  • Pirate Hook

    Pirate Hook

    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

    Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

    Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…”

    Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

    Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”

    Bartender: “You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?”

    Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”

  • Helen Keller Cat Mittens

    Helen Keller Cat Mittens

    Helen Keller and her beloved cat, ‘Mittens’

  • Die Positive Surroundings

    Die Positive Surroundings

    The doctor said if i can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.

    I’m going to die.

  • I Knew Where He Lived

    I scared the mailman yesterday by going to the door completely naked…

    I’m not sure what freaked him out more… my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.