Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Helen Keller Cat Mittens

    Helen Keller Cat Mittens

    Helen Keller and her beloved cat, ‘Mittens’

  • Die Positive Surroundings

    Die Positive Surroundings

    The doctor said if i can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.

    I’m going to die.

  • I Knew Where He Lived

    I scared the mailman yesterday by going to the door completely naked…

    I’m not sure what freaked him out more… my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

  • My Butt on the Account

    My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.

  • Taking Out the Bodies of the Previous Owners

    I really enjoy taking out the trash from my new home. It’s hard to explain, but walking the trash to the curb the night before trash day really makes me feel like a homeowner. Especially now that I’ve taken out the bodies of the previous owners.

  • Preferred Seating on the Short Bus

    On my resume, should I be bold and include “Proven Methodology of Obtaining and Retaining Preferred Seating on the Short Bus” as an achievement? Or should I just list it with my other superpowers?

  • Wake Up Afternoon

    Wake Up Afternoon

    Doctor, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning

    Wake up in the afternoon then

  • Chain It to a Pipe in the Basement

    If you really love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, chain it to a pipe in the basement, because you don’t want to take a chance like that twice.

  • Count Chocula Puts Out a Tasty Cereal

    You know, for an evil, undead minion of Satan who feasts on the blood of the living, that Count Chocula sure puts out a mighty tasty cereal.

  • IT Guys Such Dicks

    IT Guys Such Dicks

    Why are IT guys such dicks?

    Last week I drove two hours to push the power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on.