If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
The Space Program
If they ever start taking civilians into the space program, I’ll be the first to sign up. Not because I’m into science or exploring or stuff, but because I owe a lot of money to some really mean dudes in Jersey.
-
Professor Who Changed My Whole Life
In college, I took a class from a professor who changed my whole life. I can’t really remember what his name was, or what the class was, or even which college it was, but I found that if you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch right from the bottle and not get caught.
-
You Can Trust Me As Far As You Can Throw Me
If I were a midget used-car dealer, my motto would be “You can trust me as far as you can throw me.”
-
Molotov Was a Beer Drinker
I’ve got ten dollars that says Molotov was a beer drinker.
-
Bad Cell Phone Connection
When my wife said we were breaking up, I thought she was referring to a bad cell phone connection. Now I’m not so sure, since she hasn’t come home in three weeks — and we don’t have a cell phone.
-
Man in the Mirror
I heard Michael Jackson singing about the “Man in the Mirror.” What, was there somebody standing behind him?
-
If Loving You Is Wrong
If loving you is wrong, then baby, it goes a long way towards explaining the concussion and crushed left testicle.
-
Never Really That Into Her
So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small penis.
It’s OK… I was never really that into her.
-
The Ice Cube Rating System
“I didn’t have to use my AK, today was a good day.” Honestly, a perfectly scalable life satisfaction metric.
