The thing I like best about being a professional carpet layer is when some housewife naively asks me to make sure that the carpet matches the drapes.
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I awoke all sticky after falling asleep on the set of an animal
I awoke all sticky after falling asleep on the set of an animal porn film. It’s something I don’t normally do
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No one was surprised when my flat-chested girlfriend discovered
No one was surprised when my flat-chested girlfriend discovered her family originates from the former Soviet republic of Nojugsistan.
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My boyfriend’s diabetes is so bad that when I dressed as Candy
My boyfriend’s diabetes is so bad that when I dressed as Candy the Stripper for Halloween, he refused to eat me.
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Some woman in traffic yelled out her window at me, “You suck!”
Some woman in traffic yelled out her window at me, “You suck!” Well, duh. How do you think we careened off the guardrail and into oncoming traffic in the first place?
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I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture
I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture business, but every time I call a prospective customer and ask if they want to see my stool samples, they just gasp and hang up.
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I really enjoy writing my Ruminations while totally naked. But
I really enjoy writing my Ruminations while totally naked. But the manager at Burger King keeps telling me it’s a health code violation.
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I should have known that the way I learned to “dissemenate”
I should have known that the way I learned to “dissemenate” information at the porn conference wouldn’t work at the PTA meeting.
