Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Thats the Sheriffs Gal

    A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

    He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”

    The cowboy replied, “See them thar’ sheep up on th’et hill. We just go git us one.”

    “That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.

    After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.

    After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.

    The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

    The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”

    “That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”

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  • De Duck Won

    The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate.

    He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

    “Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin’” he began.

    “Good work. Who are they?” the sergeant asked.

    Desormeaux replied confidently, “De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia.”

    Puzzled, the sergeant asked, “How did you find that out in one night?”

    “Well,” he replied, “I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight.”

    The sergeant nodded, “I’ll buy that. But what about the others?”

    Desormeaux intoned knowingly, “Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck.”

    “Ah,” sighed the sergeant, “And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?”

    “De duck won.”

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  • Moo Moo Buckaroo

    Bruce, a strapping hunk of a man, walks into a redneck bar. He walks over to the bartender and says, “Hey there, good looking, I’ll have a glass of white wine.”

    A bit shocked, the bartender replies, “What are you, a homo or something?”

    Bruce, unruffled, says, “Actually I prefer the term ‘gay’. And yes I am gay.”

    “Look,” the bartender said, “This bar is full of redneck cowboys. They hate gays. If you stay there will be trouble.”

    Bruce answers, “I won’t bother anyone.”

    Bartender says, “Ok, but sit over there in the corner and don’t say a word.”

    After a while, a large, grizzly man thunders in and proclaims, “I’m so damn thirsty I could lick the sweat from the balls of a Brahma Bull!”

    A small voice rings out from the corner of the bar, “MOO, MOO, BUCKAROO!”

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  • Where Does You Go to School

    A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”

    The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

    “Yale,” she replied.

    The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

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  • Baaaaaaa

    Bubba pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.

    “It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Bubba recalled.

    “That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.

    “Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

    “Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

    “Baaaaaaa.”

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  • The Border Where They Combine

    They say the atmosphere is 78 percent nitrogen and 22 percent oxygen. And when I become world-renowned for being the first person to discover the border where they combine, I’ll just sit back and laugh my ass off.

  • Were Having a Yard Sale Today

    A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.

    A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. “This is a brothel” replied the madam.

    “Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.

    “Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”

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  • Eats Shoots and Leaves

    A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”

    Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.

    She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.

    The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.

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  • Once a Sailor Always a Sailor

    On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…

    And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.

    Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.

    When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

    The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”

    “There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”

    Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

    “That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

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  • Monopoly One Company

    Monopoly One Company