9AM: I’m going to work hard and get ahead today.
9:05AM:
Format: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Sex Worker’s Bleeding Problem Baffles Doctor
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?”
“Well,” the doctor answered, “Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?”
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess.”
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Three Phases of the Male Life Cycle
A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes. Dried up, and the balls are there only for decoration.”
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Three Stages of Breast Evolution
A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes. See them, and they make you cry.”
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Virgin’s Unexpected Reaction to Creative Compromise
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, OK,” he says, “how about a blow job?”
“EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”
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Doctor’s Three-Day Sex Schedule Backfires
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, “It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an “R” in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.”
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.
Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, “What day is it honey?”
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, “Mondray.”
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Dead Cat’s Legs Point Toward Heaven Joke
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could. “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy”.
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.
Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mummy almost died this morning”.
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy?”
“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.
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Dad’s Mechanical Secretary Problem
A young boy asked his mother, “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”
“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother.
The young boy answered “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”
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Woman Asks Doctor to Change Vibrator Batteries
A woman gets her vibrator stuck inside her. She goes to the doctor to remove it and the Dr. says “it’s too far up there, I can’t reach it enough to pull it out”.
The woman then replies “if you can’t get it out, can you at least reach it well enough to change the batteries?”
