The search is over… I found my spirit animal
Pig in Australia steals 18 beers from campers, gets drunk, fights cow.
Joke Type: absurdist
Absurdist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.
14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.
13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.
12. Do not use if already semen-filled.
11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.
10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.
9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.
8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.
7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.
6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.
5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.
4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.
3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.
2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.
1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Yeehaw or Heeyaw
I need to know something: Is it “Yeehaw” or “Heeyaw”? I’m riding in my first rodeo and don’t want to sound like a total idiot.
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Spain and Portugal Fit Like a Glove
Continental drift is no mere theory; it is fact. Forget about trying to fit Africa and South America together — just look at how Spain’s jagged western border fits Portugal’s jagged eastern border like a glove. Coincidence? Please.
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Top 16 Reasons Last Nights Date Was a Failure
The Top 16 Reasons Last Night’s Date Was a Failure
16. Two words: Crying Game
15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn’t go over so well since you hit the big four-oh.
14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers – but where the hell is your hockey mask?
13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening.
12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you.
11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order.
10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit.
9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn’t bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real.
8. You didn’t feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance.
7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone.
6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes.
5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter.
4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before.
3. Your date’s position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich.
2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing
1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.
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Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger
The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger
16. “But officer, she asked for directions!”
15. You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.
14. Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.
13. Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.
12. “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”
11. Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.
10. Your rabbi is also your manicurist.
9. A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.
8. Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.
7. You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.
6. Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.
5. Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.
4. You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.
3. Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.
2. Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!
1. “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”
15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”
14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”
13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”
12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”
11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”
10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”
9. “I have early-onset onanism.”
8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”
7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”
6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”
5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”
4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”
3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”
2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”
1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.
12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.
11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.
10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.
9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”
8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.
7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.
6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.
5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”
3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.
2. “All your albums are belong to me!”
1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
