Absurdist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.
The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”
The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
A guy gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The guy replies, “No, sir. My dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an idiot.”
A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
He was so blonde that…
– he spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”
– he thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
– if you gave him a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back
– under “education” on his job application, he put “Hooked On Phonics”
– it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
– he studied for a blood test – and failed
– he thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
– he sold the car for gas money
– when he saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), he went home and got 16 friends
– he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company
– when he was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, he turned around and went home
