Joke Type: observational

Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp

    The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp

    14. Your name: John
    Your brother’s name: John
    Your other brother’s name: John
    Your sister’s name: Trixie

    13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”

    12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.

    11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.

    10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”

    9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”

    8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.

    7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”

    6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.

    5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.

    4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”

    3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.

    2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?

    1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line

    The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line

    13. New “Victor’s Secret” line

    12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.

    11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.

    10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!

    9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.

    8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.

    7. Every wear you look — corduroy!

    6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.

    5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.

    4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.

    3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.

    2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.

    1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

    12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

    11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

    10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

    9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

    8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

    7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

    6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

    5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
    Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

    4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

    3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

    2. “All your albums are belong to me!”

    1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 12 Signs Your Ex Is Dating a Convict

    The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

    12. She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”

    11. Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”

    10. She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.

    9. She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.

    8. Your ex *is* a convict.

    7. Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”

    6. You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.

    5. Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”

    4. You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”

    3. She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”

    2. Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.

    1. Her license plate is autographed.

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  • Catch a Coyote at His Age

    This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

    “Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.

    “It figures,” she says as she storms inside.

    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking off.

    She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink. “What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal… and then… I come in here… and see this old man in the corner jacking off right in public!”

    “Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

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  • Two Kinds of Booty

    It’s funny how the hip-hop “booty” is different from the old-time pirate “booty” — yet if you have either of them, you can pretty easily get the other.

  • Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    ~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

    ~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

    ~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

    ~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

    ~ Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
    You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

    ~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

    ~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

    ~ There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

    ~ You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

    ~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

    ~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

    ~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sounds like the Indy 500.

    ~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

    ~ Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

    ~ Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

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  • 60-Minute Carbio Porkout

    I designed my new video to address an under-served niche: enabling Atkins dieters to enjoy the thrill of watching a starch-laden buffet get decimated without all the unwanted after-effects via “60-Minute Carbio Porkout!”

  • Alone When Doing Number Two

    The old song says, “One is the loneliest number you could ever do.” I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be alone when I’m doing number two.

  • Long Ass Day

    Long Ass Day

    IT WAS A LONG ASS DAY