One Liner Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

Couldn’t see himself wearing them

Why did the short-sighted vampire refuse to get glasses?
He just couldn’t see himself wearing them.

There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”

“Big fucking steps.”

Evidently, that was NOT the answer.

I compared how I walked down the street drunk vs sober.
The difference was staggering.

What’s the three scariest words to hear while having sex?
“Honey, I’m home!”

Did you hear the one about the Irishman that stayed out all night?
Paddy O’Furniture!

I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
I’m just not into high maintenance women!

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.

My kids asked me what I knew about Leprechauns.

I said very little.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.