One Liner Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

Dinner at the Boss’s House

I was having dinner at my boss’s house…

…and his wife, serving up, said, “How many potatoes would you like?”

“I’ll just have two please,” I said.

“You don’t have to be polite,” she replied.

“Ok, I’ll just have two please, you stupid cow.”

My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa.

Kenya believe it?!

I keep forgetting the difference between etymology and entomology…

…and words cannot describe how much this bugs me.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 4 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 4 people without any problems?”

A drunk guy wakes up in jail and says, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking,” replies the cop.

“Great,” says the man. “When do we start?”

My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves.

Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

My buddy used to date a cross-eyed girl until he found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people.

Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist… and nearly met Jesus!

Dentist: “You need to—”

Me: “I need to floss more.”

Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”

Me…

Dentist…

Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”