Joke Type: pun

Pun jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • A Compass That Points West

    I made a compass that always points west instead of north. A customer bought it, only to return it the next day, telling me it was set up wrong and asking for his money back.

    I assured him it was working exactly as intended:

    “It’s set up occidentally on purpose.”

    He wasn’t having any of it and informed me, with a strong lisp case of rhotacism, that he was an undercover policeman and would be pressing charges.

    “You’re under a west!” he said.

    And so I was carted away to be incarcerated at the Antarctic Correctional Facility for Crooked Compass Makers and Cartographers.

    Honestly, I didn’t expect things to go south so quickly…

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  • A Quick Fix For Back Pain

    I went to the doctor because I was having back pain.

    He examined me and said, “It turns out one of your legs is longer than the other. But good news, I have a quick fix!”

    “Nonsense,” I said. “You can’t fix one leg being longer than the other!”

    He handed me a thick insole and told me to put it in the shoe of my shorter leg.

    “Just try it. You’ll see.”

    So I did.

    Amazingly, my back pain disappeared, and I could stand up straight again.

    “Oh,” I said, feeling a little embarrassed. “I guess I stand corrected.”

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  • The Pianist At The Party

    A man at a party was impressed by the pianist. He went up to him after everyone was leaving and asked if he would play at his own gathering the next weekend. The pianist obliged.

    When he began playing at the man’s party, however, the pianist sounded much worse than the previous weekend. Sensing this was agitating his guests, the man pulled him aside.

    ‘What’s going on? You sounded so good last week, but this is terrible!’ the man exclaimed.

    ‘I’m really sorry,’ the pianist replied. ‘It’s just that I really need to go to the bathroom.’

    ‘For God’s sake, alright, go quickly, and when you get back try and play something everyone likes!’ the man said.

    About twenty minutes passed, and the pianist returned. He sat down at the piano and cracked his knuckles. Everyone at the party turned to look at him.

    ‘Any requests?’ the pianist asked.

    One of the guests raised his hand.

    ‘Do you know you have shit-stained toilet paper hanging out the back of your trousers?’

    ‘No…’ the pianist replied, ‘but if you hum it, I’ll give it a go!’

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  • I Was Gonna Plan a Vacation in Great Britain

    I was gonna plan a vacation in Great Britain, but money’s a little tight, so Pretty Good Britain it is.

  • They Shouldn’t Call Them Farts; They Should Call Them Assertations

    They shouldn’t call them farts; they should call them assertations.

  • The Duck’s Tool Bag

    A duck walks into a bar, puts down his tool bag, takes a seat, and orders a drink. The same thing happens every day for a week.

    The bartender tells him a news reporter wants to feature him.

    The duck says, “What the fuck do they want with a plumber?”

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  • The Pussy Willow

    A boy holding duct tape walks by an old man on a bench. He says he is going to catch ducks, and later returns with ducks wrapped in duct tape.

    The next day, he returns with chickens wrapped in chicken wire.

    The day after, he has a plant in a pot. He says, “It’s a pussy willow.”

    The old man says, “Wait right there. Imma get my hat. I’m coming with you.”

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  • The Bar Challenge

    A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

    The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

    The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”

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  • A Box Of Condoms

    Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    She explained that it kept her cigarette dry.

    The next day, the other lady went to the drugstore and asked for a box of condoms. The pharmacist asked what brand she preferred.

    “Doesn’t matter, son, as long as it fits a Camel.”

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  • Pictures From Our First Trip Together

    My wife emailed me the pictures from our first trip together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

    I always have trouble with emotional attachments.