Joke Type: wordplay

Wordplay jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    15. Double your measure, double your gun

    14. Share a stick with the one you love

    13. Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

    12. The flavor that never lets you down

    11. We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

    10. Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

    9. Chew it all the way home

    8. New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

    7. Time for the seven-inch stretch!

    6. Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

    5. Have *you* had a stick lately?

    4. Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

    3. Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

    2. Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

    1. It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Chapters in Sex for Dummies

    The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”

    16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

    15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

    14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

    13. Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

    12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

    11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

    10. Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow

    9. Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!

    8. You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

    7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

    6. Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

    5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

    4. “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?

    3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

    2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

    1. Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    16. Lap-based web browsing

    15. Gettin’ some air nookie

    14. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent

    13. Tango Con Mano

    12. Jostling your Elder

    11. Ruminating & Pondering

    10. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend

    9. Releasing the hostages

    8. Tickling your Elmo

    7. Fixing the Hubble

    6. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces

    5. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome

    4. Beda-testing the hardware

    3. Downloading from your own website

    2. Evicting the testicular squatters

    1. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship’s Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

    The Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

    16. Weenieschnitzel

    15. Ding-Dongs

    14. Buffalo Wangs

    13. Chicken Marphallus

    12. Shish-ka-bobbitt

    11. Mansmeat Pie

    10. Wangers and Mash

    9. Standing Ribbed Roast (for her pleasure)

    8. Beef Swellington

    7. Rocky Mountain Sausage

    6. Beans ‘n’ Frank’s Frank

    5. Veal Scallopeepee

    4. Host-less Twinkie

    3. Spotted Dick (a vas diferens from the traditional British version)

    2. Rootie Tootie Fresh-Cut Woody

    1. Tool House Cookies

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    16. “But officer, she asked for directions!”

    15. You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.

    14. Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.

    13. Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.

    12. “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”

    11. Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.

    10. Your rabbi is also your manicurist.

    9. A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.

    8. Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.

    7. You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.

    6. Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.

    5. Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.

    4. You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.

    3. Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.

    2. Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!

    1. “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

    The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

    14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
    13. Some Like It Cold
    12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
    11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
    10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
    9. Lifeless in Seattle
    8. The Right Stiff
    7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
    6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
    5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
    4. The Corpse Whisperer
    3. CASketball
    2. Waiting to Exhume
    1. Blue Vulva

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  • Top 14 Adult Film Star Nicknames

    The Top 14 Adult Film Star Nicknames

    14. Jack Titanic
    13. Willy Wanka
    12. Delores Galores
    11. Randy “The Groin from Des Moines” Mann
    10. Analstasia
    9. Nattily Wood
    8. Chuck “Big Gun” Heston
    7. Rosie Buttrash
    6. me me cummings
    5. Gonore’ de Balsac
    4. Jock Full O’Nuts
    3. Monty Fuller
    2. Jennifer Love T’Dewitt
    1. Stiffen King

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  • Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-Rated)

    The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-rated version)

    12. “Can I interest you in a protein shake?”

    11. “Hey, handsome. Would you like some coffee with that cream?”

    10. “Hey, is that a cucumber in your pocket? And if so, can I borrow it for about 15 minutes?”

    9. “Avoid the clam dip.”

    8. “I don’t mean this to sound like a typical pick-up line, but you have beautiful labia.”

    7. “Hello, Richard. My name’s Dick. Have you met my friend, Peter?”

    6. “How’d you like to blow this joint?”

    5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘goo’ and ‘eye’ together.”

    4. “Care to get rid of the sock and slip into something more comfortable?”

    3. “Come here to come here often?”

    2. “Oops — sorry about that. Consider it a compliment. Can I get you a towel?”

    1. “Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”

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  • Top 17 Safe Porn Movies

    The Top 17 Safe Porn Movies (R-rated)

    17. Cold Shower Mountain

    16. The Abstinent-Minded Professor

    15. The Silence of the Loins

    14. Mickey Blue Balls

    13. Boys on the Side of Caution

    12. Full Metal Chastity Belt

    11. Harry Potter and the Extremely Dog-Eared Issue of Swank

    10. The Longest Yawn

    9. Emmanuelle Goes Pennsylvania Dutch

    8. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice… Have a Lovely Game of Bridge

    7. Bone Alone

    6. Fakin’ 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo

    5. Debbie Does Bupkis

    4. Papa’s Celibate Condition

    3. White Men Can’t Hump

    2. Girl on Girl, Interrupted

    1. All Quiet on the Wankin’ Front

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Check and Chuck

    The FDA announced today the approval of a new birth control product. The package combines an Early Pregnancy Test kit (or EPT) with the new French abortion pill, RU-486.

    The product will be marketed by Dow Chemical under the shelf name of “Check and Chuck!!”

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