Joke Type: wordplay

Wordplay jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Not Looked Back Since

    To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag.

    I’ve not looked back since.

  • Hickory Daiquiri, Doc

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

    One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

    The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

    “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

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  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)

    15. Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale

    14. Prescription: Impossible

    13. Being Robert Downey, Jr.

    12. Cheech and Chong’s “Saving Private Ryan”

    11. Bridget Jones’s Darvocet

    10. Good Pill Hunting

    9. Schindler’s Spliff

    8. Look Who’s Toking

    7. A Reefer Runs Through It

    6. From Busta to Nelly

    5. The Road to El Doritos

    4. Peyote Ugly

    3. Finding Primo

    2. Bender Like Belushi

    1. Tootski

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • The Top 14 Names for Hip-Hop Drinks

    14. Rum DMC

    13. Cuervo Gold Tooth

    12. MC Hammered

    11. Harvey Gangbanger

    10. Singapore Bling

    9. 2-Pack Liqueur

    8. Sloe Gin Fizzizzle Shanizzle

    7. Gin and Chronic

    6. Old Dirty Plastered

    5. R. Kelly’s Sex on the Playground

    4. Notorious V.S.O.P.

    3. J.Lo Shots

    2. Sex on the Beyotch

    1. That Pink Sh*t with the Umbrella an’ Sh*t

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Got a Dog Named Chunks

    A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”

    Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”

    Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”

    Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”

    Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”

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  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part II)

    15. Lord of the Bongs: The Return of My Buzz
    14. There’s Something About Mary Jane
    13. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Up
    12. Merry Poppers
    11. About Schlitz
    10. King Bong
    9. Giggly
    8. S*T*A*S*H
    7. Toke-lahoma!
    6. Heroin Brockovich
    5. Kilo & Snitch
    4. The Matrix: Totally Loaded
    3. Drool Hand ’Lude
    2. Good Buy, Mr. Chips Ahoy!
    1. Stingin’ in the Vein

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • This Is a Singles Bar

    A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”

    The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

    The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

    “Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

    The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. “What’s going on here?” the man asks.

    Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”

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  • Eats That Many Trains

    My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.

    I have no idea how he eats that many trains.

  • Sting Operation

    Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?

    It was a sting operation.

  • Beware of Doug

    Beware of Doug

    BEWARE OF DOUG

    ACME SALES CO.