Joke Type: wordplay

Wordplay jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown

    There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.

    Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”

    He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

    To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”

  • Yellow French’s

    If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I hope it’s the yellow French’s kind, and not that brown Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.

  • Necrophilia Safe Sex

    Necrophilia Safe Sex

    “The way I see it, necrophilia is safe sex….”

  • Eat the Sauce

    I wonder if the French word for “eat” is “app,” ’cause then the word “applesauce” would be “eat-the-sauce” in France, and I bet those dirty French would hate that.

  • Consequences of Anal Sex

    Consequences of Anal Sex

    “I warned you about the consequences of all that anal sex in the 60s!”

  • Never Misses a Period

    What quality does the best secretary in the world have?

    She never misses a period.

  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part II)

    15. Lord of the Bongs: The Return of My Buzz

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. There’s Something About Mary Jane

    13. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Up

    12. Merry Poppers

    11. About Schlitz

    10. King Bong

    9. Giggly

    8. S*T*A*S*H

    7. Toke-lahoma!

    6. Heroin Brockovich

    5. Kilo & Snitch

    4. The Matrix: Totally Loaded

    3. Drool Hand ’Lude

    2. Good Buy, Mr. Chips Ahoy!

    1. Stingin’ in the Vein

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

  • Not Looked Back Since

    To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag.

    I’ve not looked back since.

  • Hickory Daiquiri, Doc

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

    One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

    The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

    “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)

    15. Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. Prescription: Impossible

    13. Being Robert Downey, Jr.

    12. Cheech and Chong’s “Saving Private Ryan”

    11. Bridget Jones’s Darvocet

    10. Good Pill Hunting

    9. Schindler’s Spliff

    8. Look Who’s Toking

    7. A Reefer Runs Through It

    6. From Busta to Nelly

    5. The Road to El Doritos

    4. Peyote Ugly

    3. Finding Primo

    2. Bender Like Belushi

    1. Tootski

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White