Nobody sees the 5am runs.
Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries.
Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlit room.
Because I don’t do any of these things.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Me Neither
A primary school teacher said to a lady, “Madam, I’m sorry to tell you that in class, your son is copying from his classmate.”
The lady asks, “Why do you say that?”
The teacher replies, “Well, he and his neighbor make the same mistakes.”
The lady says, “Ah, but it may be his classmate is copying from him!”
The teacher replies, “No, because on an assignment they were asked where the island of Montreal is. His classmate wrote, ‘I don’t know,’ and your son wrote, ‘Me neither.’”
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I Stepped on a Duck
Three women got into a car accident. They all died. When they got to the gates of heaven, a saint stopped them and said, “There is only one rule in heaven – don’t step on the holy ducks.” They nodded and the saint let them through. Entering heaven, to their surprise, there were ducks everywhere.
“Holy duck!” one of them exclaimed.
They all tried their best not to step on one, but the number of ducks was unreal. Two days later, one of them stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared, bringing along the ugliest man that her eyes had witnessed. The saint said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is being tied to this man for the rest of eternity,” and walked away.
Two weeks later, a second woman also stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared and she got the same punishment.
The remaining one, seeing the fates of her friends, got super careful. She managed to go months without stepping on one. Then one day, the saint appeared again, bringing with him the most beautiful man describable, and tied them together without saying anything and left.
The woman was staring at her new man. The man said, “What?”
The woman said, “I wonder what I did to deserve being tied to such a handsome man.”
The man sighed and replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
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You Wanted Me to Say Shingles
A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.
“Prove it,” the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
“Lucky guess,” says the friend.
The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
“Alright… ask him something harder.”
The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog barks, “Roof!”
The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”
The dog looks at him and says, “You wanted me to say shingles?”
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Youll Never Hit Her From Here
Two guys were out playing golf.
Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.
“Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
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Traumatized by the Ninth Grade
Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.
“Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.
Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”
“And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.
The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”
She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”
“That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”
Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”
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The Chicken Was Delicious
Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.
When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.
Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.
The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”
The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”
The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”
A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.
To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”
To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”
To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”
And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”
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No Honey, No Butter
One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.
His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”
A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.
“Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”
That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.
She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.
Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”
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Everything’s Bigger in Texas
A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.
When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.
“Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.
The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.
He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.
The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.
The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”
The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.
The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”
The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.
Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.
He falls in with a big splash.
A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting:
“DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”
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The Elevator Operator
I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I grumbled, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”
He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.
I didn’t say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”
“Because you thought you were my dad?” I asked him.
He shook his head. “No, son, because I let you down.”
