Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

Taken the Edge Off My Appetite

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.

“Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee.”

He declines, “It’s the Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

Once more he declines, “Again, thanks, but it’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well then,” she replies, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

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The Band or the Football Team

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

“All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”

“I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”

“Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”

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Pass Me the Vaseline

Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.

“Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I’ll see what I can do!”

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Chinese Neighbours Waffles Cat
Deliver Baby Keep Liver

I’m going to deliver the baby

Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver
That Same Thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff Used to Do

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Johnny’s mother cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, so suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell the rest tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car in the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and said, “…then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!”

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Helen Keller Orgy

Helen Keller at her first orgy, circa 1900 colorized
I Had It on the Tip of My Tongue

Well today, little Johnnie’s class is on a field trip to the local mall to visit Santa Claus. Little Mary goes and sits on Santa’s lap and asks for her Barbie doll, and crayons and what have you. All the kids have their turn and it’s finally up to Johnnie to go up to see Santa.

Little Johnnie goes to Santa and says, “Yo Santa, if you’re so smart and wise, can you tell me how to spell ‘clitoris’?”

“Oh Gee Whiz Johnnie!” exclaims Santa all surprised. “I can’t remember now, you should have asked me that one yesterday, I had it on the tip of my tongue!”

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Damned If I Know

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period” reported Johnnie.

“Well I can see that” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy shit, Momma fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

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Hooker Drowned 10 Minutes

When the hooker you just drowned still has another 10 minutes you paid for

made with mematic