Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A Pastor was standing at the church door greeting people after service.
One man walked by and the Pastor grabbed his hand and said, “Brother, you need to join the Army of the Lord!”
The man looked confused and said, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
The pastor whispered, “Then how come I only see you at Christmas and Easter?”
The man leaned in and whispered back, “Because I’m in the secret service.”
I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.
When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.
The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.
The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.
After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.
The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?
Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.
So I finally stopped the manager.
“Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”
He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”
A man and a woman happened to be seated side by side in first class on a cross-country flight. The flight was smooth, the seats were comfortable, and they had both settled in with their books.
Then, without warning, the woman sneezed. She reached for a tissue, dabbed her nose politely — and then shuddered from head to toe as though someone had plugged her in. The man glanced over but said nothing.
A few minutes later it happened again. She sneezed, reached for her tissue, and once more shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm. The man shifted in his seat. He tried to focus on his book. He could not.
After the third time it happened, he set his book down, turned to her as discreetly as he could, and said, “Pardon me, ma’am — I don’t mean to pry, but three times now you’ve sneezed and then, well, shuddered something fierce right afterward. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
The woman looked a touch embarrassed but smiled graciously. “That’s very kind of you,” she said. “I have a rather rare medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I — how shall I put this — I have a very strong orgasm.”
The man blinked. He opened his mouth. He closed it again. Then he said, “Goodness. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Are there any treatments? What do you take for it?”
She turned to him with a perfectly straight face and replied, “Pepper.”
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition…
On the way back the wife, very worried, asks, “So, honey? How’s my mum doing?”
He replies, “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”
“Wow that’s amazing!” says the wife. “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”
“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replied. “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”
There was a salesman whose car broke down on a country road. He opened the hood and was looking at the engine trying to figure what was wrong.
All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “It’s the carburetor.”
He looks around and there is only a cow in the area. Looking back at the engine he hears the voice say again, “It’s the carburetor.”
He realizes it’s the cow! He asks the cow to speak again and the cow obliges, “I’ve told you twice it’s the carburetor.”
The salesman runs down the road, finds a farmer and says excitedly, “That cow in the field over there can talk! It was telling me what’s wrong with my car!”
The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Don’t pay any attention to that cow, it doesn’t know anything about cars.”
A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.
He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”
“Oh my, you can talk!”
“Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”
“Wow, that’s amazing!”
The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.
“Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”
“Why so little, you do know he can talk?”
“Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”
A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the Nazis…
Just as the Nazis are about to open fire, the British spy shouts
“Hurricane!”
and all the Nazis run, allowing the British spy to escape
Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts
“Typhoon!”
and all the Nazis run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape
The Nazis return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts
“Fire!”
A drug store owner walks in and notices a man leaning stiffly against the wall.
He asks the clerk, “What’s wrong with that guy?”
The clerk says, “He came in looking for something for a cough. We were out of cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxatives.”
The owner shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk replies, “Oh yeah? Look at him… he’s afraid to cough.”
A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”
The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
