I grilled a chicken for two hours…
Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Home in Time for Dinner
Decided to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!
I should be home in time for dinner.
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Milton and the Chainsaw
Milton went to the store and bought a chainsaw. The next day, he brings it back, mad, and says, “Look, you told me that this chainsaw would cut down 25 trees in an hour and I spent all day yesterday and only cut 1 down.”
The clerk says, “Let me check it to see if it’s working right.” He starts it right up no problem and BRRRRRR!!!!
Milton jumps back in surprise and says, “What the hell is that noise?”
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The Golf Mulligan
A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.
She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.
Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”
The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.
“Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”
“Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”
“Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”
“Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.
“I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”
He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.
Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.
“Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”
The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”
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Just Walk
A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.
The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.
“Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”
“Just walk,” the old man said flatly.
“Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”
“Just walk,” the old man repeated.
“Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.
Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:
“It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”
The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”
“Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”
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You Have 5
Doctor tells the patient, “You have an incurable disease and you don’t have that much time before you die.”
Patient asks, “How long before I die, doc?”
Doctor goes, “You have 5…”
Patient asking frantically, “5 what? 5 years? 5 months? 5 days?!”
Doctor, “4.”
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A Very Delicate Heart
A retired fellow hadn’t been feeling quite right, so he went to see his doctor.
After the exam, the doctor quietly asked his wife to step into the hallway.
“I’m afraid your husband has a very delicate heart,” he said. “If you want him around a while longer, you’ll need to treat him like royalty — wait on him hand and foot, no stress, no chores, no lifting a finger.”
On the drive home, the husband looked over nervously and asked, “So… what did the doc say?”
His wife sighed and said, “He said you’re probably not going to make it.”
