Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • I can’t do anything about it

    The company I work for is knowingly making defective whistles.
    I can’t do anything about it.

  • I would appreciate it as a worm

    In my will, I’ve stated that I want my coffin to be made of aluminum foil and my body to be dipped in caramel and chocolate. I know that if I were someday reincarnated as a worm, I would appreciate it if someone had thought of that.

  • Kicking ass in the America’s Cup

    A life-size Noah’s Ark is open to the public. I’m not sure if I believe the story about the ark kicking ass in the America’s Cup yacht races.

  • Authorities just found Himalayan there

    Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
    Authorities just found Himalayan there.

  • She slowly came around

    Last night at the airport, there was a woman totally passed out on the baggage carousel.

    She slowly came around.

  • All of the seats were already taken

    Unfortunately, I showed up late to the kleptomaniacs’ conference.
    Needless to say, all of the seats were already taken.

  • It will still be stationary

    It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.

  • He ripped me off

    You know that guy who made the movie “Super Size Me,” in which he gained 31 pounds after eating nothing but McDonald’s food for an entire month? That dude totally ripped me off. I did it first, except he filmed it or something.

  • Stop pretending that I cared

    My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That’s all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.

  • Pissing Skittles

    Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after I had spent three days eating nothing but beets and asparagus, and downing enough Karo syrup to kill a horse, that I realized maybe it was actually during a dream when I came up with my super-secret formula for “pissing Skittles.”