Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.
A woman is waiting in line at a grocery store. The woman in front of her keeps sneezing and letting out a loud moan after each one.
Woman #1 asks if she’s okay.
Woman #2 says, “I have this reaction where anytime I sneeze, I have an intense orgasm.”
Woman #1 asks if she takes anything for it.
Woman #2 sneezes again and moans out the word:
“Pepper!”
Dave pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
The bartender asked, “What makes you say that?”
Dave beamed with pride. “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work.”
“She was so thrilled to have me around that every time a mailman or delivery guy came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.
While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”
“Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”
The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”
“The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”
“No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”
The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.
Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.
But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.
Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”
“What’s that?” the son asks.
“Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”
What’s the worst thing about having sex in a cemetery?
All the digging.
Just when I thought I’d get a break from my day job as a prostitute by going to the dentist, I realized I was actually paying *him* to shove his throbbing tool in my mouth.
Some questions are better left unasked.
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red “H” on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard, and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” the doctor asks.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale, and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest.
“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
She replies, “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin.”
“Why do you ask?”
A businessman walks into a brothel.
He asks the lady working the front desk, “I’d like a room, and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, most boring-in-bed woman—and a ham sandwich.”
The receptionist looks at him, confused, and says, “For that price, we could get you our youngest, kindest, slimmest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.”
The businessman replies, “Lady, you don’t understand. I’m homesick.”
