Jokes

“Doctor, how is he?”

“Well, he’s had a massive heart attack, and also sustained some bone fractures.”

“Can I talk to him?”

“No, unfortunately, that’s not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along.”

“Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?”

Jimmy and Johnny attend a square dance during the depression. Johnny an otherwise handsome young man had lost an eye in a farming accident. Johnny’s father not having the money to purchase a glass eye, carved a prosthetic eye from wood. Johnny was quite self conscious because of his missing eye.

Soon after arriving at the dance, Johnny tells Jimmy he believes no girl will dance with him. Jimmy tells him he just has to pick the right girl, and suggests Betty who has a harelip but is a very nice girl, whom has never been asked to dance.

Johnny builds his courage, approaches Betty, and asks, “Betty, wouldn’t you like to dance?”

Betty delighted to finally have been asked exclaims, “Wouldn’t I, Wouldn’t I?”

Johnny shoves Betty aside and shouts, “Harelip, harelip, harelip!”.

With the first anniversary of the new pope approaching, Vatican staff were preparing a banquet and reviewing the menu with Leo.

After a few minutes, Leo started looking distracted. When asked what was wrong, he said, “The food here at the Vatican is amazing, but I really miss good old Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. I would like you to serve that at my anniversary banquet.”

Not having had any experience with it, they nevertheless agreed. Since there is no pizza oven in the Vatican, their kitchen staff went to a local pizzeria to use theirs. After a couple days of experimenting, they served Leo their first attempt at deep-dish pizza for lunch.

“Yuck,” he said. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s certainly not deep-dish pizza!”

For the next month, a couple of times a week, the Vatican chefs prepared another attempt, and each one was met with a similar reaction. With the banquet only two days away, Leo finally said, “I’ve had enough! You obviously aren’t able to figure this out on your own, so take me down to the pizzeria and I’ll show you how to make a deep-dish pizza.”

So the pope went to the pizzeria and into the kitchen, and soon flour and sauce were flying everywhere. A local reporter stopped by to get lunch, gaped in surprise, and immediately got on the phone with her editor.

“Are you aware of some VIP visiting Rome today?” she asked.

He replied, “No—I haven’t heard anything. What’s up?”

She said, “I don’t know for sure, but it must be someone really important: the pope is baking a pizza for him!”

Some tourists at the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, “First offender?”

The woman replies, “nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”

A guy goes to the psychiatrist and the doctor orders a Rorschach test.

He shows his patient the first inkblot and asks what he sees. The reply: “Sex.”

Second inkblot, same question. The reply: “Sex.” Third time around, same thing.

The doctor says, “All you have on your mind is sex.”

The patient replies, “Well, of course I do, because you keep showing me those dirty pictures.”

Beaver and Woodchuck were chatting down at the local bar on a Friday evening.

Woodchuck was trying to be patient and get a word in, but Beaver kept going on and on about the pond where his family lived—how wide and deep it was, how much protection it provided, and so on.

After about an hour, Woodchuck had had enough and yelled out in frustration, “Could you please stop talking about your dammed river?!”

On the first day of college, the dean is making his initial address to the incoming student body and going over some of the rules.

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is out-of-bounds for all female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

“Yeah,” says a guy in the back. “How much for a season pass?”

A good-looking young guy watches an attractive woman at a bar for some time, then approaches her in a quiet, shy manner and suggests they sit together, chat, and have a drink.

The woman exclaims loudly, “I’m not sleeping with you! Get lost!”

The guy, completely embarrassed, returns to his seat.

After a while, the woman approaches him, smiles sweetly, apologizes for being rude, and explains that she’s studying psychology and wanted to see how people behave in these types of situations. Now she’d be happy to have a drink and chat with him.

To which the guy shouts loudly, “Five hundred dollars? Get lost, slut!”

After attending ethics training, Bob went up to his boss.

“Boss,” he said, “that ethics training has me feeling bad about us doing product testing on animals.”

The boss replied, “But Bob, this is an accepted practice, and many shampoo and cosmetics manufacturers test their products on animals.”

Bob responded, “Yeah, but we make hammers!”

So it’s the first day of college, and the girls are finishing orientation with the Dean of Women.

“In conclusion, ladies, if you get pregnant, you’ll likely have to drop out and miss out on many of your dreams. Think about it: is that one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of commitment?”

“Now,” the dean says, “are there any questions?”

“Yeah,” says a voice from the back. “How do you make them last an hour?”

A rich man and a poor man are discussing their wive’s birthday gifts.

The rich man says, “I think this year I’m going to get my wife a diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes.”

The poor man asks, “Why two gifts?”

“That way,” the rich man says, “if she doesn’t like the ring, she can return it in her new car and still be happy. How about you, what will you get your wife?”

The poor man looks at him and says, “You know what, I’m going to get my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

An elderly Jewish man is walking down the street when he sudden slips and falls.

People rush to help him, with one passer by rolling up his own coat to cradle the elderly Jewish man’s head.

“Sir,” the man says. “We’re calling an ambulance. Are you comfortable?”

The elderly Jewish man gives a weak shrug and says: “Eh. I make a living.”

Some first-year medical students were attending their first anatomy class.

They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study. The professor began by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.

“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”

To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it. He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.

The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes, but eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted a finger into the body’s anus and then tasted it.

When everyone had finished, they stood there frowning and looking uncomfortable.

The professor looked at them and smiled. “The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”

“I inserted my middle finger,” he continued, “but I tasted my index finger.”

I forgot to zip my pants today, so a lady politely told me, “Sir, your garage is open.”

I zipped them up and asked, “Did you see my monster truck parked inside?”

The lady smiled and said, “No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires…”

I’m still crying.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a chat!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“Iron Mike Tyson” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to New York,” and off they go.

When they get there, Tyson spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to the gym, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave Iron Mike Tyson’s house he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Benedict” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, “wait a minute, who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?”

A guy says to his shrink, “Before I got involved with drugs I had a loving family, a nice house and a decent car.”

The shrink says, “And now?”

The guy says, “Now I also have a private jet and a yacht.”

Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison…

​The judge tells them, “You guys don’t look like hardened criminals. I’ll give you a deal: I’m releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you’re successful, I’ll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers.”

The next day, the first guy says, “Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs.”

The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. “And you?”

“I got 165 people to quit, sir!”

The judge is stunned. “165?! Did you use the same ‘brain’ circles?”

“Sort of,” the guy says. “I pointed to the tiny circle and said, ‘Listen up, boys… this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.'”

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”

The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself! . His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said,

“You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead!”

An elderly couple stands before a judge.

“Did you steal the can of peaches, ma’am?”

“Yes, I did, your honor,” she replies.

“How many peaches were in the can?”

“Four, your honor.”

“Then I sentence you to four days in jail. Anything else?”

“Yes, your honor,” says her husband. “She stole a can of peas too.”

A man goes in for a physical, and the doctor asks him about his daily routine.

The man says, “Well, Doc, just yesterday afternoon I must’ve walked at least five miles. I waded up to my knees in a lake, drank three beers, outran a pack of wild dogs in the underbrush, drank another two beers, took a long, leisurely piss behind a tree, and stepped out of the way of an aggressive rattlesnake.

Drank another beer, crawled out of quicksand, stood in a poison ivy patch, drank another two beers, climbed up and down five steep hills, and took another leak behind a tree.”

The doctor, listening to all of this, is duly impressed. “Man, you must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

“Nah, Doc,” the man says. “I’m just a shitty golfer.”

A merchant ship filled with gold is sailing in the Caribbean when the lookout in the crow’s nest suddenly cries out, “Pirate ship off the starboard bow!” The captain immediately orders, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

A fierce battle follows, and the pirates are driven off.

The next day, the lookout calls again, “Pirate ship off the port bow!”

Without hesitation, the captain shouts, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

Once more, the pirates are defeated.

Two days later, the lookout bellows, “Pirate ship dead ahead!”

The captain remains calm. “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

Again, the pirates are beaten back.

After the fight, the first mate approaches the captain. “Begging your pardon, sir, but why do you always ask for your red vest when we’re under attack?” The captain replies, “So that if I am wounded in battle, the crew will not see my blood and lose heart.”

Three days later, the lookout’s voice rings out in alarm: “Three pirate ships off the starboard bow, the port bow, and dead ahead!”

The captain turns to his first mate and says, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my brown trousers.”

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

“I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

“Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””

In the courtroom, the defense lawyer is examining the witness.

“Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

“No.”

“Did you check for blood pressure?”

“No.”

“Did you check for breathing?”

“No.”

“So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

“No.”

“How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

“Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

“But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

“Yes, it is possible he could have been alive… and even practicing law somewhere.”