Jokes

A young farmer is having trouble with one of his horses, which is suffering from diarrhea. He doesn’t know what to do, so he seeks advice from the old farmer down the road.

“Farmer John, surely you’ve seen this problem before. What should I do with a horse with diarrhea?” he asks.

Farmer John smiles and says, “Well, a few years back one of my horses had that problem, and I gave him a drink of turpentine.”

Relieved to have an answer, the young farmer runs home and administers the same treatment to his horse.

Sadly, the next morning his horse is dead. He runs back over to Farmer John’s place.

“John, I gave my horse turpentine, but he died!” the young farmer says.

Farmer John nods thoughtfully and says, “Aye… mine did too.”

“Father, I committed all seven deadly sins in thirty minutes.”

“Wow,” the priest says. “I’ve got to hear this.”

“I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries, and didn’t share.”

“You forgot pride,” the priest says.

“No,” I say. “I’m pretty proud of this.”

An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.

An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.

Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.

The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.

“So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”

The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”

A blond woman and her boyfriend go to a comedy club to see a ventriloquist. Midway through the show, the comedian starts setting his dummy up for a whole bunch of blond jokes. The woman laughs along at first, but eventually it’s too much for her to take.

“Hey! It was funny for a while but that’s enough! I’m blond, and I don’t like people assuming I’m dumb! It’s not fair!”

The comedian, taken aback, says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying….” She cut him off.

“I wasn’t talking to YOU!”

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”

The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself! . His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said,

“You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead!”

In the courtroom, the defense lawyer is examining the witness.

“Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

“No.”

“Did you check for blood pressure?”

“No.”

“Did you check for breathing?”

“No.”

“So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

“No.”

“How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

“Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

“But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

“Yes, it is possible he could have been alive… and even practicing law somewhere.”

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”

“Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”

A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”

By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”

The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”

An elderly couple stands before a judge.

“Did you steal the can of peaches, ma’am?”

“Yes, I did, your honor,” she replies.

“How many peaches were in the can?”

“Four, your honor.”

“Then I sentence you to four days in jail. Anything else?”

“Yes, your honor,” says her husband. “She stole a can of peas too.”

A guy says to his shrink, “Before I got involved with drugs I had a loving family, a nice house and a decent car.”

The shrink says, “And now?”

The guy says, “Now I also have a private jet and a yacht.”

Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison…

​The judge tells them, “You guys don’t look like hardened criminals. I’ll give you a deal: I’m releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you’re successful, I’ll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers.”

The next day, the first guy says, “Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs.”

The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. “And you?”

“I got 165 people to quit, sir!”

The judge is stunned. “165?! Did you use the same ‘brain’ circles?”

“Sort of,” the guy says. “I pointed to the tiny circle and said, ‘Listen up, boys… this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.'”

A guy’s on the side of the highway changing a flat.

A patrol car pulls up. The officer steps out and says, “Sir, we received a report of an emergency…”

Before he can finish, another cruiser comes flying up from behind, speeding in the same direction. It slams on the brakes and skids in behind the first car. The second officer jumps out, a little out of breath. He takes one look around and says, “Oh… I thought…”

Suddenly, from the opposite side of the highway, a third cruiser whips a U-turn across the median, sirens blaring, and screeches to a stop.

The third officer jumps out and runs up. “Are there any left?”

The first two silently point at the spare tire. The third officer squints at it.

“We really need better descriptions from dispatch, this is not what I would call a donut emergency”

A guy moves to the middle of nowhere in Alaska — no towns, no roads, just snow and existential dread.

About a week later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it to find a man standing there like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

“Hey,” the man says. “I’m your neighbor — I live about fifteen miles away. I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you.”

The new guy brightens up. “A party? Out here?”

“Yep,” says the neighbor. “There’ll be drinking and fighting…”

“Wow,” the new guy says. “Sounds fun.”

“…and then sex, there will be loads of sex.” the neighbor adds.

The new guy freezes. “Uh — okay. How many people are coming?”

The neighbor smiles. “It’ll just be you and me.”

But I refused because if I’m gonna have sex on a car, it’s going to be on my own Accord

A man goes in for a physical, and the doctor asks him about his daily routine.

The man says, “Well, Doc, just yesterday afternoon I must’ve walked at least five miles. I waded up to my knees in a lake, drank three beers, outran a pack of wild dogs in the underbrush, drank another two beers, took a long, leisurely piss behind a tree, and stepped out of the way of an aggressive rattlesnake.

Drank another beer, crawled out of quicksand, stood in a poison ivy patch, drank another two beers, climbed up and down five steep hills, and took another leak behind a tree.”

The doctor, listening to all of this, is duly impressed. “Man, you must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

“Nah, Doc,” the man says. “I’m just a shitty golfer.”

Jimmy and Johnny attend a square dance during the depression. Johnny an otherwise handsome young man had lost an eye in a farming accident. Johnny’s father not having the money to purchase a glass eye, carved a prosthetic eye from wood. Johnny was quite self conscious because of his missing eye.

Soon after arriving at the dance, Johnny tells Jimmy he believes no girl will dance with him. Jimmy tells him he just has to pick the right girl, and suggests Betty who has a harelip but is a very nice girl, whom has never been asked to dance.

Johnny builds his courage, approaches Betty, and asks, “Betty, wouldn’t you like to dance?”

Betty delighted to finally have been asked exclaims, “Wouldn’t I, Wouldn’t I?”

Johnny shoves Betty aside and shouts, “Harelip, harelip, harelip!”.

As the dingy, small restaurant is about to close, a customer rushed through the door and said: “Please, I am starving, I will order anything you have or anything easy to make. Plus a soup.”

The waiter replied: “Sure, we have some rotisserie chicken that we can bring to you, but we are all out of soup.” Pointing to the corner of the restaurant, he said, “That gentleman ordered the last one.”

The last customer then noticed a lone, sad looking man sitting at a small table with his head down, with a full bowl of soup in front of him. After contemplating a bit, he asked in a gentle voice: “Sir, I noticed that you have not eaten your soup. If you don’t mind, may I have it?”

The sad man silently moved the dish with bowl of soup and soup spoon towards the direction of the last customer.

“Thank you, thank you!” the last customer took the soup back to his table and started eagerly eating it… until he noticed the dead rat at bottom of the bowl.

Totally disgusted by what he saw and ate, he vomited violently, back into the bowl. finally, after he calmed down, wiped tears off his eyes and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he noticed the sad man looking mournfully at him.

“I know, that’s what I did too.” The sad man said.

A guy goes to the psychiatrist and the doctor orders a Rorschach test.

He shows his patient the first inkblot and asks what he sees. The reply: “Sex.”

Second inkblot, same question. The reply: “Sex.” Third time around, same thing.

The doctor says, “All you have on your mind is sex.”

The patient replies, “Well, of course I do, because you keep showing me those dirty pictures.”

Little Johnny refused to study math so his parents decided to put him in Catholic school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Johnny came home after her very first day and went straight to his room to work on his math homework. Right after dinner, he went back to his room to study math, right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, his parents found him working on math problems with a flashlight under his blanket.

The next morning, while Johnny was working on math problems over breakfast, his baffled parents asked him why his new school had changed his attitude towards math so quickly. He answered with a terrified whisper:

“When the nuns took us to chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign…. I knew they weren’t joking around.”

I was right in the middle of a steamy make out session with a hot chick when she stops me and asks “do you have a condom?”

“No” I say, and begrudgingly get my things together and head for the store.

When I get there, find the condoms and I’m checking out, the clerk asks me, “Do you need a bag?”

To which I reply, “She’s not that ugly!”

A son tells his father he has a homework assignment due, and he can’t figure out how to complete it. The task is to explain the difference between theory and reality.

The father instructs him: “Go ask your mom if she would have sex with a stranger for $1,000,000.”

The mom says yes.

Then the father tells him to ask his sister the same question.

She also says yes.

The father says, “There. You figured out the assignment. In theory, we live with two millionaires. In reality, we live with two sluts.”

A rich man and a poor man are discussing their wive’s birthday gifts.

The rich man says, “I think this year I’m going to get my wife a diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes.”

The poor man asks, “Why two gifts?”

“That way,” the rich man says, “if she doesn’t like the ring, she can return it in her new car and still be happy. How about you, what will you get your wife?”

The poor man looks at him and says, “You know what, I’m going to get my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

“What are they doing?” the girl asked.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”

The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”

“What do you mean?” Grandma asked.

“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”

A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.

“What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”

“Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,

“I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”

“Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”

“So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest

“Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god

“so?”

“Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.