Jokes

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

A wealthy, lonely widow decided she needed a new man in her life, so she placed an ad in the newspaper:

“Wealthy widow seeks a man to share her fortune and life. Applicants must meet the following qualifications:

1. Don’t be aggressive toward me.
2. Never run away.
3. Must be extremely good in bed.”

For months, she got plenty of calls and house visits, but no one met her criteria.

One day, the doorbell rang.

She opened the door and saw a man lying there without arms and without legs.

Confused, she asked, “Who are you? What do you want?”

“Hello,” he said. “Your search is over. I’m the man of your dreams. I have no arms, so I can’t hit you, and no legs, so I can’t run away.”

“Okay… well, do you think you’re good in bed?” she asked.

He replied, “Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?”

A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.

Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”

The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.

The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.

Principal: “What is 3+3?”
Little Johnny: “6.”

Principal: “6+6?”
Little Johnny: “12.”

Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.

The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.

Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
Little Johnny: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
Little Johnny: “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Little Johnny: “Coconut.”

Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”

Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Little Johnny: “Tent.”

The principal was looking restless.

Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”

Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Little Johnny: “Nose.”

Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Little Johnny: “Arrow.”

Principal: “OH MY GOD!”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
Little Johnny: “Fork.”

Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
Little Johnny: “Surname.”

Principal: “Ohooo!”

Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
Little Johnny: “Heart.”

Principal: “Eeeeeh!”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”

Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.

Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”

Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”

A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

“What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

“That’s right,” says the first guy.

“Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

Do men get anything out of valentines day? It depends on whether or not his wife will do the brussel sprout.

What’s the brussel sprout?

It’s when you put something in your mouth and pretend you like it

Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy.

“Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?”

Johnny nods obediently.

They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks:

“When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?”

“Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.”

“Will he wash his own bedsheets?”

“Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.”

“And will he iron them too?”

“Yes, he’ll iron them.”

“And put them away in the closet?”

“Obviously, where else would they go?”

“So, how is he going to fold them?”

A husband is talking to his friend about the vacation he and his wife just got back from.

“Hoh, you should have seen this place, it was absolutely gorgeous!” the husband says.

“Where did you go?” the friend asks.

“Well… it had this beautiful beach just outside the hotel, the sand was almost bright white!”

“But what was the place called?”

“Umm… it had a huge swimming pool, and a spa and everything.”

“Yes, but what was the name of the place?”

“Hang on, it’s at the tip of my tongue… something flowery. Name a flower.”

“Rose?”

“No, not rose… something else.”

“Tulip?”

“No, keep going.”

“Lily?”

“Lily! That’s it!” He turns to his wife. “Hey, Lily! What was the name of that place?”

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a chat!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“Iron Mike Tyson” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to New York,” and off they go.

When they get there, Tyson spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to the gym, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave Iron Mike Tyson’s house he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Benedict” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, “wait a minute, who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?”

A doctor says grimly to a patient, “You are a very sick man. You’ve been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time.”

“Is there anything that can be done to help me?” asks the patient.

“Amazingly, there is though it may be touch and go,” says the doctor nervously. “First, we’ll put you in a private room where you’ll have everything you need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Next, we’ll put you on a diet of pancakes, pizza and flounder.”

“Okay…” says the patient, “But why pancakes, pizza and flounder?”

“Because,” the doctor says, “That’s the only food we can push under your door.”

A 22-year-old woman seduces a wealthy 85-year-old man.

She figures, how bad could it be? He’s worth millions — maybe she’ll even marry him. The first night, she’s naked in the bedroom, waiting for him to come out of the bathroom.

The old man walks out with a huge erection, a box of condoms, earplugs, and a clothespin.

“What are those for?!” she yells.

The old man says, “There are two things I can’t stand… the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber.”

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud “THUD,” he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. “Surely I can’t run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!” he thought.

Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying “Thud.”

“Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?” the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.

“No,” said the priest. “But I got him with the door.”

An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.

The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”

God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”

The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”

Woman: Doctor, I simply don’t know what to do! Every date I go on, at the end, I find myself in bed. I am powerless to refuse any man, and afterwards, I keep feeling like a fool and a slut.

Doctor: That’s no problem, young lady. Just let me prescribe you some pills, and you’ll have no trouble refusing.

Woman: What? No, Doctor, I don’t need that. Could you prescribe me some pills so that I won’t feel like a fool and a slut?

A woman had a male parrot for a pet, but he always embarrassed her whenever she brought a man home. As soon as she walked in with someone, the parrot would squawk, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

Finally, in desperation, the woman went to her local pet shop and asked the owner for advice.

“You need a female parrot to keep him company,” said the proprietor. “I can order one for you. In the meantime, you can borrow this female owl until she arrives.”

The woman took the owl home and placed it near her parrot. The parrot just stared at the owl in silence.

That night, she brought a gentleman friend back to her apartment. As soon as they walked in, the parrot screeched, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

The owl blinked and asked, “Who? Who?”

And the parrot shouted, “Not you, you big-eyed bitch!”

A man in his late seventies has a wife fifty years younger than him. Every year he goes to his doctor for an body check. One year, he tells his doctor “Hey doc! Look at my wife! Isn’t she pretty? Guess what? I got her pregnant!”

Upon hearing that, the serious doctor looked up from his clipboard. He replied, “You remind me of my friend John, when he was hunting in Africa. He was aiming at a zebra when a leopard starting chasing him. John wanted to grab his rifle, but soon realized that he didn’t have it in his pouch! But the leopard was already a couple meters away from him… so John acted like his fingers were guns… and shouted BAM! BAM! BAM! very loudly… and to John’s surprise… the leopard collapsed… and died!”

The old man replied, “That’s nonsense! Someone else must’ve done it!”

The doctor, with a sly smile on his face, simply responded, “I think so too.”

The president of a major company had three secretaries he wanted to promote, but there was only one position available.
The first secretary was a Stanford graduate who developed a strategy to cut unnecessary spending and increased company profits by 28%.

The second was a single mother of three — kind, warm, and beloved by employees and customers alike. She made everyone feel welcome and valued.

The third was quick-witted, knew the company’s operations inside and out, and could deliver anything needed at a moment’s notice — fast, efficient, and flawless.

After careful and deliberate consideration, the president decided to promote the secretary with the biggest tits.

A guy gets a terrible venereal disease.

Doctor: “Listen, I’ve got bad news, there’s no way we can save your genitals. You’ll need to get them amputated.”

Patient: “I demand a second opinion.”

Doctor 2: “Oh yeah, my colleague is way off base, no need to amputate.”

Patient: “Whew, thank you!”

Doctor 2: “Yeah, if you just wait a few weeks it’ll fall off on its own.”

Three guys were traveling through Saudi Arabia when they accidentally stumbled into a harem tent filled with over a hundred beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with the women when suddenly the Sheik burst in and shouted, “I am the master of all these women! No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you’ve done. Your punishment will correspond to your profession.”

He turned to the first man and asked, “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a cop,” the first man said.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!” declared the Sheik.

Next, he turned to the second man. “And you?”

“I’m a fireman.”

“Then we will burn your penis off!”

Finally, the Sheik turned to the third man. “And what do you do for a living?”

The third man grinned and said, “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

A merchant ship filled with gold is sailing in the Caribbean when the lookout in the crow’s nest suddenly cries out, “Pirate ship off the starboard bow!” The captain immediately orders, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

A fierce battle follows, and the pirates are driven off.

The next day, the lookout calls again, “Pirate ship off the port bow!”

Without hesitation, the captain shouts, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

Once more, the pirates are defeated.

Two days later, the lookout bellows, “Pirate ship dead ahead!”

The captain remains calm. “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”

Again, the pirates are beaten back.

After the fight, the first mate approaches the captain. “Begging your pardon, sir, but why do you always ask for your red vest when we’re under attack?” The captain replies, “So that if I am wounded in battle, the crew will not see my blood and lose heart.”

Three days later, the lookout’s voice rings out in alarm: “Three pirate ships off the starboard bow, the port bow, and dead ahead!”

The captain turns to his first mate and says, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my brown trousers.”

I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over. As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”