Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Just a shot in the dark

    I was trying to get romantic with the new nurse at my doctor’s office, so I asked her to dim the lights before she gave me the tetanus booster.
    I guess it was just a shot in the dark.

  • You never leave fingerprints behind

    The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.

  • My family finding that

    If I die right now, my last Google search will be “carry testicles in milk crate,” so I look forward to my family finding that.

  • Other words and phrases

    I bought a pen that can write under water…
    It can also write other words and phrases.

  • Rose, What Was the Name of the Restaurant?

    Two older gentlemen are chatting after dinner while their wives are in the kitchen.

    “We had a lovely meal at that new restaurant in town the other night,” said one to the other.

    “That’s nice,” said his friend. “What was the name of the restaurant?”

    “Oh, what’s the name of the lovely scented flower that grows on a thorny plant?”

    “Rose?” replied the friend.

    “That’s it.” Then, turning toward the kitchen, the gentleman called out, “Rose, what was the name of the restaurant the other night?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Stress Relief

    Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

    She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I had to put my foot down

    My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo…
    I had to put my foot down.

  • The Top 17 Tweets From President Trump

    17. Winning! Winners win. And I’m a winner who wins, believe me. #ohfucknowwhatdoido

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    16. My huuuge hands typing this from the Oval Office! #HowYouLikeMeNowHillary

    15. Nobody told me the White House was such a dump. Not a single gold toilet. Sad. #3rdWorld

    14. Why do they call it the White House when the kitchen is full of Hispanics? #TrumpHouse

    13. @SCOTUS You’re Fired! #TreatGovernmentLikeBusiness

    12. #100days: abolish Obamacare, export all illegal immigrants, mount Paul Ryan’s balls in the Oval Office #sweetrevenge

    11. @PutinRF_Eng Lincoln bedroom stocked with #Stoli; waiting for your arrival #USARUS

    10. White House? Not on my watch. 2,600 gallons of gold gilt paint on the way! #Glitterpalooza #BlingHouse

    9. Note to self: thank Kellyanne Conway, notify her she won’t be paid.

    8. Just sold Washington Monument to China #suckers #shippingisextra

    7. Got the nuclear codes, so excited: 398236. #watchoutisis #makeamericaglowagain

    6. Melania looks stunning lying naked on the Oval Office’s new polar bear-skin rug, trust me. #MakingAmericaBoneAgain #Bigly

    5. WTF? Canada’s Prime Minister keeps calling, saying USA needs to pay for his wall.

    4. WH needs new housekeepers. @AliciaMachado, job is yours if you can drop 20 lbs!

    3. Just sent my homey @Comey a thank you gift: orange jumpsuit for @Hillary. #orangeisthenewpantsuit

    2. That Lincoln bedroom is SO uncomfortable. No wonder he shot himself. #HoleInTheHead #LumpyMattress

    1. First official act: Lady Liberty loses the burka, shows some leg, gets bigger tits #StatueOfLame #6atBest

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Need a Battery to Tell the Time

    I said to my son, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

    He asked, “Is it for a clock?”

    I answered, “I don’t know. That’s why I need the battery!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail