Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Sleeping Bag

    You ever get laid in a sleeping bag? It’s awful.

    You can’t ever move, you’re drenched in sweat, and your scout master is covering your mouth.

  • The Meter Man

    There was a knock at the door earlier. When I answered it, there was a little man standing on the step.

    I said, “You’re not very tall, are you?”

    “I’m 3′3″,” he said.

    When I asked him what he wanted, he said, “I’m the meter man.”

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  • The Ultimate Rejection

    What’s the ultimate rejection?

    When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

  • Tissue Paper and Sandpaper

    Do you know the difference between tissue paper and sandpaper?

    “No?”

    Then you should probably stay away from sandpaper.

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  • The Hinge and the Lawn Mower

    A woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.

    She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, “Excuse me, lady, do you wanna screw for that hinge?”

    She says, “No, but I’ll blow you for that lawn mower.”

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  • Why Don’t Blind People Like to Skydive?

    Why don’t blind people like to skydive?

    Because it scares the dog.

  • I didn’t think it hurt that much

    I said to my wife, “They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience…”
    “Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn’t think it hurt that much.”

  • Parking fine

    A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly…
    It said, “Parking fine.” So that was nice.

  • A Ford Oar two-door

    Ford should make a coupe and call it the Oar.
    It’d be a Ford Oar two-door.

  • The Figure Skater at the Bar

    An ice hockey player, a rodeo clown, and a beautiful figure skater walk into a bar.

    After a couple of drinks, they start comparing injuries.

    “None of my teeth are my own. I once lost seven teeth during one game,” says the hockey player.

    “Well, that’s nothing. During my career, I broke each and every one of my bones,” replies the rodeo clown.

    The figure skater rolls her eyes and says, “I used to be a Red Sox infielder. Do you have any idea what that ball can do to a man if you forget to wear the jockstrap?”

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